Adios 2007

Its New years eve and also a time for reflection. Also its a hell of an excuse to get drunk. 2007 has been an interesting year to say the least. I was college freshman and just have started my sophomore year. I’ve buried a friend and the quote ‘only the good die young’ still makes my blood boil, complete bullshit as far as I am concerned. I’ve made new friends and lost some. Drama, tears, and a lot of laughs , 2007 has been a defining year for me. Scary isn’t it? How fast life goes by, I think that 2007 has been a year of appreciation for me. I appreciate my family more than I ever would have thought I would. My friends have become more important to me than I thought I would ever let anyone mean to me, and life, I trying to let the little things go and see the big picture, and live in each breath I take. Thank you 2007 for teaching me some lessons about myself

anime

i love anime
i have way to much free time on my hands
because idol hands are the devils playthings
and i should seriously consider a prescription for prozac

Mad world

i can't explain in words how i feel right now.. so this video will have to do.

I love a man in uniform

So today I talked to army boy( the nickname is self explanatory) I don't know why I like him but i do. have you ever been attracted to someone but you can't explain why? Thats how i feel about him, yeah i am physically attracted to him but it something more than that and i worry about him being in the army playing solider. Idk.

Break so far as been good full of the usually bullshit and all that comes with coming back to 'bangfield'( If you watched 10 mins of the local news you understand why I call it that) I feel like there is nothing good here. You have two options if you stay here go to prison or get pregnant, i am beginning to lose count of how many of my friends have become pregnant since we graduated HS but they all have one thing in common. They stayed here. I think I've been invited to more baby showers than anyone should be at 20 yrs old. So depressing :( I wanna go back to school now.

poetry before bed

i can't sleep even though i am exhausted. i am still awake thinking.. I think to much, that why i can never sleep because i am too busy thinking of all the things in the day time i try to forget about. ugh. I was looking through some of my stuff and i found some of my writing that i had written this summer. I have been telling my friend that i would write him a poem and i did but i feel like sharing these two instead of the new one i wrote.

Annoyed by the thought of you with her
You'll never know how good my love can be
Everything happens for a reason so explain this one to me
She is everything i am not that why she is everything you want
Happiness would of been but
Ayesha is who i am

Finally I see the
Reasons why you and I aren't meant to be there
As simple as its you and its me
Never is the only way it
Can be between you and me
One day you'll see
If only we had tried but instead I will leave you my
Simple goodbye

alone and Christmas

For some reason around this time a year i always feel more alone than ever. Even though i am surrounded by my family and all that supposed Christmas cheer, i always end of feeling very alone, and when i get a quite moment to myself that feeling is overwhelming.But in a couple minutes it will be Christmas and i am very grateful for my family and the love they give me :)
Merry Christmas !

My sister wrote me a poem so i thought I share:

I have an older sister
She's really a bitch
Sometimes I wish she would end up
in a six foot ditch
she thinks she's really smart
but she is really a dork at heart
she makes me so mad
I could think of 105 ways
to kill that hag
but while I live in jail
at least i know she's burning in hell
but thats my sister
and thats the only reason she's still
alive
Well for now
i <3 la tortura
by mi hermana

Y&ou got to love my family :)

thinking....

i have been thinking a lot lately, almost to much. When ever i go home i am always reminded of certain things, good and bad. So it leaves me confused, the only thing i am sure of is I disappoint myself the most. i know better but still I do things that are bad for me.
Also lately i have been having some weird dreams. The other night I had one about daddy big dick, and you would think that if i had a dream about him it would be sexual in nature... not this time, ugh... IDK i have so many mixed feelings and everything is unsure, its going to be a long break. Is it jan 28 yet?

ps. I am so glad Christmas is over, I think if i heard Mariah's all I want for chrismas one more time i would i flipped on someone

Fuck

Funny how you can keep making the same mistake over and over again, even when i know the risk and consequences. What the fuck is wrong with me?! I feel dirty. I am taking a shower.

thinking things through

I admit it.
I love him in that completely irrational I want you and nobody else kind of way.
I hate change and it usually painful but in the end i think i come out a better person than when i started.
i want to cry.
but i need to get back to studying for my 3 finals tomorrow.
Shoot me now.

Hell Week

Its going to be a long week, i have five final with three of them being on the same day, oh yeah and one in 6 hrs, shoot me now. But procrastination seems to be a close friend of mine so i'll be here typing away when i should be studying..like right now.

But i can't sleep or more importantly study because i wanna know what love is. i want one clear definition so that I know what my feelings mean. Can i get that by 7am tomorrow please while i get ready to fail uhm.. i mean ace me res. econ final, and a cup a black coffee would also be equally amazing. Sleep time

A nigger moment

This is a nigger moment

Excuse the bitch but.......

I am in a bitchy mood so please excuse my rant.

My roommate aka Minnie mouse ( if you heard her voice once you would know why) aka Dunk bitch aka chick who is driving me to have a nigger moment. I don't think that i am that difficult of a person to live with all be it I haven't has a roommate last longer than the semester, but those are stories for another time.

Why do you feel the need to set your alarm clock for 9am? I mean I would understand that if you were getting up to go to class or maybe even the gym(oh i made a funny) but you don't. You sleep. You lay there and push the snooze button every ten minutes for god knows how long until you finally turn it off. The kicker for me is you do this on the only 3 days a week i don't have to be up 8am. I mean am i being irrational by asking for you to set your alarm clock for a time when you will actually be conscious, say noon because when i come back from class at that time you are either still sleeping or have just have awakened. Good morning sunshine, i am glad someone could get some fucking sleep this morning.

Why are you so dirty? I realize that not everyone is as slightly OCD clean like me but there is a difference between being messy and being a dirty bitch, you on the other hand, have transgressed both of these and you are a dirty cuntnugget.( yup, cuntnugget feel free to use that one) See, when your dishes start to grow mold, idk... i think that is a sign to fucking wash them, not pushing them into the corner hoping that your new found ecosystem growing out of your bowl will some how wash itself. Newsflash, it won't and i sure as hell won't do it either, mommy is back in connticunt(yeah, i spelled it right) and is not a 5'9 sleep deprived, disgusted by your inherent nastiness angry black women.

Stop whining so fucking much. I apologize to my family members, who had to deal with me whining for first decade or so of my life, i am truly sorry and karma is a fucking bitch. It really is simple, you don't like your life change it. You think your fat go to the gym and put the fucking snickers down and go run on the treadmill for an hour I'll even hold a snickers bar in front of you if it helps with motivation.( I am going to hell for that one)Or at least stop complaining to me every time you walk past he mirror and realizes your belly is bigger than some of the linemen on our football team.
Stop complaining how much you hate all the guys that you have a fuck-me-and-leave-me session with. I am assuming you didn't get the memo on the art of the one night stand by la tortura. if you want more from a boy its probably not a good idea to give the goodies up within 3 hrs of meeting him. How can you expect someone to give you the respect that you don't give yourself( but then again who i am I to talk.)You have a mouth for doing other things than sucking cock,use it.( that was mean, i am going to confession after this one)So open and demand something more than for me to pass (insert any food that taste so good but is oh so bad for you especially if the only 'exercise' you have today is going from your bed to you computer to facebook stalk the latest fuckhead( insert any of the numerous idiotic things that boys,do)as you seem to run into a lot of these fuckhead, I wonder why?

I feel better now and i will say an extra Hail Mary tonight for all of the above bitchy comments made in the writing of this post.

and i believe

Heard this song for the first time the other day and thought I share.

A little something to think about

I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit.
--- queer as folk
I couldn't agree more ;0

Letter to myself

Dear La tortura,
You know that you are a strong,independent,women but that doesn't mean that you don't need help. Stop being afraid to ask for help, you are human not superwomen. Stop being afraid. You know what you want, so go after it! You must learn that it is okay to fail, because its not the failure that defines you but what you do after it. Always try your best in everything you do.

Stop playing around with little boys and wait for the man who knows your worth.
You are not bound by the fate of you parents. You are an individual with your own path in life. You and only you are the deciding factor in who you become.

Love, yourself first and always, but after that ask yourself one simple question: Does he satisfy you heart?

love me.

The trouble with love is......

We spend the majority of adolescents and adult years searching for the 'one.' Going from relationship to relationship from the time we are 16 in search of the so called soul mate. But at the supposed end of that search when you get married you are have supposed to have found the one, but with the divorce rate at 51% chances are the person that you think its the 'one' couldn't be further from it.


Especially, as a women, we grown up with the jaded ideas of Disney romances and boy meet girls movies that fill our childhood. But those aren't true. Life is messy, people are complicated. There is no prince charming that comes riding in at the last second to save you. You have to save yourself. There are just people. Flawed human beings like yourself wanting to be loved. Sometimes loving someone isn't enough...actually i feel a lot of the times it is never enough. Because just like people,love changes it evolves,grows stronger or weaker. The whole idea of a 'soul mate' sounds like complete bullshit to me.

Happiness isn't defined by 2.5 kids, a house with a yard, a dog, and so called Mr. Right.

The kind of love I am talking about is scared, more than an hallmark card could ever capture. I think people use the word love to freely. The word has deeper implications then the casualness of which it said.

The Haitian sensation told me I need to be more open and giving of my love and let people in if i ever want to be happy. The thing is, I am already like that. I will give anyone the opportunity to be in my life,until they give me reason not to.
Also he said part of my problem is that I don't equate sex and love. I don't think there the same thing, I never have. Yes, sex can be an expression of love, but as sometime you just need a fuck.

I know you have to risk being hurt if you want to get anything in life especially love. But is it wrong of me to wait for a person who is worth the risk.? And I aven't found anyone who is worth the risk yet


I don't believe in settling for anything less so that I can say I have someone and don't believe having a boyfriend or a girlfriend(in my case defines me as a person.) Because it doesn't, it can't. happiness isn't defined by someone else, your happiness can't be dependent on whether or not someone is laying on the other side of the bed when you come home. Because if it is you will never truly find happiness. Happiness(at least by my definitions) is when i know that i am okay just the way i am whether or not I have some to call me own. I think that where a lot of people go wrong- by defining themselves by there relationships. i want someone who compliments me not completes me because no one can ever do that for you. You(I) have to complete myself.

Visual Expression of what i am feeling today

I was praying for Armageddon on the day I was born.

Couldn't have said it better myself

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you're here every moment
Will you stay?
Stay 'till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you're busy, I know I'm just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me

Why is it so hard?
Why can't you just take me?
I don't have much to go
Before I fade completely

Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine

How are you so strong?
What's it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me

Are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
Cry with me tonight

Are you there?
Are you watching me?
---- Irvine

God?

Hello God,
Its la tortura it seem you have forgotten me or maybe i have forgotten you. My spirit feels week and I need some reassurance, that everything is going to be okay. Because I feel lost and God seem to be a fleeing thought. I am scared.

I hate the Haitian sensation!!!!

Just thought I share ;)

Visual Expression of what i am feeling today

the words are mesmerizing

Couldn't have said it better myself

For a long time I thought that maybe we'd be something more. It just never seemed to work out, you know? So, at a certain point you just gotta face the fact that it's not meant to be.
- One Tree Hill

that alright..thats okay... i never liked you anyways

I don't believe in wasting time on something that you can't have. Life is to short to be caught up in something that not yours to have. So you have to move on otherwise you could miss the opportunity of having someone who wants you as much as you want then., Plus my mommy reminded me that there are always other fish in the sea. So ocean here I come ! :)

Country Music.

I was flipping through the television channels the other days and I caught this video on the Country Music Channel. My music choices have always been diverse to say the least but I've never been the biggest fan of country music. But the way this women looks in this video made me stop and watch it, so i thought i share :)

So you do learn something in college....

i heard this poem in my philosophy class this morning and it i couldn't get it out of my head all day long.




DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

----- John Donne

the power of words......

I found this quote and it got me thinking.......


"There comes a time in your life when you must decide between what you feel and what you know. You must choose between your heart and your mind, between love and the truth. Sometimes, the love you feel will hide the truth from your mind; but seldom from your soul. The bond between your heart and your mind is the strongest and one will try and overpower the other at all times. But neither one, alone, or together, can overpower your soul, for they do not possess the ability, nor the strength. Only your soul can guide you, and when the time does come for you to make a decision, you must be prepared for an inner conflict between your heart and you mind, so painful it can only be overcome by the strength your soul can provide. This is when you must force yourself to realize that your heart and your mind are the only links to your soul; they are controlled by your soul, and can act as one when you allow your soul to guide you."

Couldn't have said it better myself

How can it be you're asking me to feel,the things you never show.
--- Backstreet Boys

haha I know, but hey I am a product of the 90s

If I get it all out.......

i don't like the person i am today. I am angry and unhappy. I feel lost and hopeless. I hate this school and I hate my 'friends'. I hate everything including my reflection in the mirror. i don't know what is wrong with me. I am trying to let the little things go but its the little things that are killing me. Chipping away piece by piece of the little bit of soul i have left. Earlier this year I was thinking about transferring and today confirmed my desire to move on from this place. Its not that i don't like it here because i do. There have been some moments that have happened only because I go to this school, good and bad but mostly good. I am just not a happy here anymore,and I would like to spend my junior year somewhere else, but i also don't want to be in debt with student loan forever because i want to transfer to a much more expensive school and I also have thoughts of graduate school, which my parents won't help me out with at all. So i am at a lost of what to do now.


Also I have been thinking about the relationships that I have with some of the people in my life lately and their is one in particular that comes to mind. Of course its some dumb boy that cause me more bad than good. Call him the Haitian sensation. Our relationship to say the least is a little complicated and I feel like it poison fruit from the start so there is no way for us to ever have a 'normal' relationship and be just friends,(even if a part of me wants something more, I can't, I refuse, to let that desire overpower what my mind tells me is right regardless of what my heart might think it wants).

yeah I love him and care about him, thats not the problem. The problem is that I don't think that loving someone is enough, its not a good enough reason to keep someone in your life. Especially if they only cause you more harm then good. Cause you more pain than joy. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they are supposed to always be in your life. Maybe they come in teach you something about yourself but in the end its better to let them go. Especially when holding on hurts(God does it hurt). I mean is a friendship worth all this pain and baggage that comes with it. I don't think so, he always wants me to let him in... that why he wants to read my blog but I am just not comfortable with giving some that insight into me and with that the power to really hurt me, i don't trust him enough not to. I think i am starting to figure out who is really worth keeping in my life and worth the risk. Currently no one, maybe that will change one day

Couldn't Have said it better myself

"I am thirty-two flavors and then some."
- ani difranco, '32 flavors'

You Don't really know me unill you know....(Part 1)

1. that i draw, the athletic talent that my brother and sister inherited from our father my have skipped me, but I am the only one who has picked up pencil with intentions other than using it has something other than a mini weapon.

2. That I gave up prayer after Brandy died and haven't said an earnest prayer since.

3. I am still the biggest cry baby. Nothing has changed since fifth grade, I just got better at hiding it.

4. That I am so afraid of my grandma dieing that I refuse to get close to her.

5. That my first kiss was a girl.

Couldn't have said it better myself

Life perfect, aint perfect if you don't know what the struggles for
Falling down aint falling down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past 'cause im getting past
and i ain't nothing like I was before.
--- Alicia Keys

so this what i've become

I feel like I am starting to come to a better place than what I have been feeling lately. I am learning to breath, inhale take and appreciate the moment for what its worth and exhale and let it go and move on to the next. I don't know what has brought up these feeling but there new and scary but i am ready to start feeling them..good and bad. I starting to remember the person I want to be and slowly i will become her one day.

Couldn't have said it better myself

The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut up.
--- Chuck Palahnuik

Couldn't have said it better myself

"We are who we are. People don't change."
- Great Expectations

Delete me please!!

The funny thing about having a personal blog is that it is so easy for me to be completely honest with myself, with my feeling, something I have never been able to do in real life. even though i am complete vulnerable to complete strangers i somehow feel more safe than if i were to be talking to one of my friends. My friend caught a glimpse of my blog and I am so embarrassed and contemplating deleting it. He wants to read it and the thought of him doing it sends me up the wall faster than a cockroach when the light come on. I don't know whats wrong with me? Why i am like that, so afraid to let anyone in. UGH.. I feel like crying and if my roommate wasn't in here I would start(it be the uncontrollable ugly cry)But i suck it up and push it to the bottom of my empty pit. The place where my soul is supposed to be. Something got to change, I can't live my life this. i hate this feeling of hopelessness and I feel out of control. I want to scream! punch! cut! cry! anything that reminds me that I am alive and feeling something..anything, but instead I sit here and type because I am afraid if i start to feel anything whether its good or bad.. i won't be able to turn it back off and then I would be a walking wound waiting for someone to see me and cut me open again. I can't take that risk.

Couldn't have said it better myself

I am stuck between a rock and a no penis.
--- La tortura

Love me. Want me.Choose me.

I don't understand love. All the risk that involved and all the pain, and for what? It seems to me that things moreover, people never change. That the same confusion that comes when you utter those three words and all the consequences that come with them being spoken remain no mater if we're 20 or 100 years old. Or maybe my 20 year old mind is confusing lust and infatuation with love.IDK but it all feels and hurt the same. Do people ever get their shit together and move on from the past, let it go and are willing to risk everything for only a tiny slice of happiness even if it not meant to last forever. I read some where that are lives are shaped by the people that don't love us. The one that got away for whatever reason, that walk out the door not knowing that you love them or even far worse not loving you back. If you were to get to know me one of your first conclusion about me would be that I probably have ice water running through my vain. And yes I know i do have a tendency to come of as bit of an ice princess but i am so much more than that. I am so sensitve to a fault that I surround my self in fortress of loneliness of my own choosing that I refuse to let anyone get in because then they could hurt me, and I am not sure that most people are worth the risk. Actually i am sure..they're not. I realize that this in no way to live my life but its all i know and when people hurt me with the little that i have let them inside of me, but at the same time i want so much more. I want love and affection and for someone to see and know my imperfection and still love me despite them.

A rock and a penis

I am cute by all standards. I must admit I am kind of feel like an amazon women because i stand at 5'8 and 1/2 on a good day but I love to wear heels because they make me fell sexy and grown. I work out at least 5 days a week and I have naturally big boobs and I have been told that I have a killer smile and sexy lips( i realize this is coming of entirely conceited but I promise I am not as entirely bad as I am coming off but I have my moments..haha ) So why don't guys approach me? Yeah I know its difficult and no man wants to be verbally castrated by a women but what is a single girl supposed to do. I know I am young and in college and should be sowing my wild oats but I feel like something is missing? Random hook up can be fun but trust me they get old really fast. Even though i go to school with over 20,000 people i feel like i have meet everyone and am surrounded by the same carbon copies drones that are walking around campus. The boys(boys because they still aren't men yet at least in my opinion) leave a lot to be desired to say the least. So now i am stock between a rock an no penis. Whats has the world come to?!