Monday, December 3, 2007
Delete me please!!
The funny thing about having a personal blog is that it is so easy for me to be completely honest with myself, with my feeling, something I have never been able to do in real life. even though i am complete vulnerable to complete strangers i somehow feel more safe than if i were to be talking to one of my friends. My friend caught a glimpse of my blog and I am so embarrassed and contemplating deleting it. He wants to read it and the thought of him doing it sends me up the wall faster than a cockroach when the light come on. I don't know whats wrong with me? Why i am like that, so afraid to let anyone in. UGH.. I feel like crying and if my roommate wasn't in here I would start(it be the uncontrollable ugly cry)But i suck it up and push it to the bottom of my empty pit. The place where my soul is supposed to be. Something got to change, I can't live my life this. i hate this feeling of hopelessness and I feel out of control. I want to scream! punch! cut! cry! anything that reminds me that I am alive and feeling something..anything, but instead I sit here and type because I am afraid if i start to feel anything whether its good or bad.. i won't be able to turn it back off and then I would be a walking wound waiting for someone to see me and cut me open again. I can't take that risk.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Can I ask you a question? I truly hope that you reply. Do you know why you are so emotional detached from everyone around you? Was it something that happened over time or was it something that you developed because of past relationships.
Honestly, i have asked myself that question a million times and I am still coming up short on answers. I don't exactly come from the most emotional available family. That not say i am not loved, but sometimes you need to hear it or feel it from a hug once and awhile. I think it has to do with the way i grew and the fact that I was so overly emotional as a child that now I never want to feel that vulnerable again.
Inferring for what you just said I’m guessing that you are letting your home brining dictate the way you interact with others. I’m sure you have heard the saying nature over nurture. I’m a firm believer in that. From what I can tell I can say that you are pretty close to your family. But the way that you were raised should not dictate the way that you are going to be. Think about it, as a child you went to school majority of the time was spent there. How much time did you really have so that your family can affect you to the point were you are emotionally you can’t express yourself. There are plenty of children who grow in broken abusive homes who grow up with have successful lives.
I don’t know what I’m saying I’m rambling on. But I hope you get the jest to what I’m saying. You can change it not too late to let people in who love you. Yeah they might now all the time please you, but why live and never love or be loved?
yeah that what i am trying to do. But some 20 years of behavior have to be unlearned. slowly but surely they will.
There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy.
----Jean Anouilh
I don't know you but I know you. I like you. You have great intentions but they are clouded. I'm pretty sure that once you allow yourself to let people in you will have wonderful friendships and relationships.
Do you even want a relationships?
A relationship? Good question, i have never had feeling for someone more than lust and infatuation, and i am open to the possibility if i found the right person. But the whole open up and be vulnerable and trust someone not to hurt you, thing i am struggling with giving someone that power over me.
Or if by relationships we are talking about friendship, then yes for that because i am always open to the possibilities of friendships and what i ca learn about other people and also in the process learn more about myself.
Post a Comment