i don't like the person i am today. I am angry and unhappy. I feel lost and hopeless. I hate this school and I hate my 'friends'. I hate everything including my reflection in the mirror. i don't know what is wrong with me. I am trying to let the little things go but its the little things that are killing me. Chipping away piece by piece of the little bit of soul i have left. Earlier this year I was thinking about transferring and today confirmed my desire to move on from this place. Its not that i don't like it here because i do. There have been some moments that have happened only because I go to this school, good and bad but mostly good. I am just not a happy here anymore,and I would like to spend my junior year somewhere else, but i also don't want to be in debt with student loan forever because i want to transfer to a much more expensive school and I also have thoughts of graduate school, which my parents won't help me out with at all. So i am at a lost of what to do now.
Also I have been thinking about the relationships that I have with some of the people in my life lately and their is one in particular that comes to mind. Of course its some dumb boy that cause me more bad than good. Call him the Haitian sensation. Our relationship to say the least is a little complicated and I feel like it poison fruit from the start so there is no way for us to ever have a 'normal' relationship and be just friends,(even if a part of me wants something more, I can't, I refuse, to let that desire overpower what my mind tells me is right regardless of what my heart might think it wants).
yeah I love him and care about him, thats not the problem. The problem is that I don't think that loving someone is enough, its not a good enough reason to keep someone in your life. Especially if they only cause you more harm then good. Cause you more pain than joy. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they are supposed to always be in your life. Maybe they come in teach you something about yourself but in the end its better to let them go. Especially when holding on hurts(God does it hurt). I mean is a friendship worth all this pain and baggage that comes with it. I don't think so, he always wants me to let him in... that why he wants to read my blog but I am just not comfortable with giving some that insight into me and with that the power to really hurt me, i don't trust him enough not to. I think i am starting to figure out who is really worth keeping in my life and worth the risk. Currently no one, maybe that will change one day
8 comments:
So your issue is not being able to love someone, but rather letting them in completely. You seem to care about this “Haitian sensation”. He seems to be the only person that you have admitted loved. Is there something more to that? Or is it like you said a poison fruit, a forbidden love affair.
Your right now that i think about it he is one of the only people besides my family that I ever said that to, Is there more to that? I don't know, like i said its not a question of whether or not i love him because i do its just whether or not all the pain that comes with our relationship is worth is. Is loving someone enough of a reason to keep them in your life?
Well that is a question that you are going to have to ask yourself. You need to ask yourself what kind of pain does he bring you, and can the pain heal easily overtime. Or is it one of those were the only way it goes away is if all ties are severed.
What about him do you love?
Is love something that you can find in someone else easy or is it something that takes time to build He seems important to you, you should be careful of the choices you make. Because telling someone that you love them but you can be friends with them can have irreparable damages to a relationship.
I leave you with this poem. Make sense to me, it might to you?
The Miracle of Friendship
by Anonymous:
There is a Miracle called Friendship
that dwells within the heart
and you don't know how it happens
or when it even starts.
But the happiness it brings you
always gives a special lift
and you realize that
Friendship
is God's most precious gift.
Love for me takes time to build, yeah i find qualities in other people that I love but i don't love them necessarily.Thats the thing about love or so called love.
How do you know the difference between lust and infatuation and real 'love'?
I think a lot of people(maybe including myself) confuse the two. I think they feel the same but love is inherently something deeper.
the thing i love about him most and
(i know this is about to soundly really cliche but none the less true)is the way he makes me feel. Since I've known him I have learned to laugh again, he makes me feel like it ok to be silly and act like a kid again.
I love him because out of anyone i know he has seen the most of who i really am and still loves me and that is scary but there something wonderful in that to.
His friendship means a lot to me. more than I want to admit to myself, I use to pride my self in my 'i don't give a fuck attitude' but he's changed that about me because i do care.
i think the thing that scares me most is that he could be the first person i would be willing to completely open up to but at the same time i don't trust him enough no to hurt me,to risk it.
I think i rather risk being alone and ok then being loved and hurt.
I loved the poem,you and the poem really made me think. Thank you so much
You say you love him, but in what way?
It started out as a friendship love but now it something more than that
Have you told him how your felt. That you love him more then a friend. Why don't you pursuit your feelings with him. Life short take chances or else your always going to be wondering what if...
been there done that.... One rejection is enough to lat me a lifetime
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