2008 Reflections

2008 and is almost over and the stroke of midnight can not come any sooner. I am ready for this year to be over! So what did I learn in 2008? Many lessons were learned this year. This year if anything has been very humbling. I've learned a lot about myself, my friends and how kindness can deliver you from the darkness of yourself.

Let me explain...

There were some moments this year where i didn't think i was going to make it. i didn't want to make. I didn't really write about it here and i don't think i will or maybe one day when i am ready it will spill it from my inner mind but until then it is mine to keep. Actually it hasn't been my to keep but it is mine to share when i choose but i digress.... You know how you think you'll never be that person ? That unlike superman you immune to kryptonite-untouchable. Except life isn't like that. We're all fallible and yes even i have been brought to my knees by my own kryptonite.

I.
It was during this time that I learned a lot about myself and some of the people in my life. I know what I want from life and I refuse to settle for anything less. I don't regret one choice I've made this year because I learned from them and i am better for it because i refuse to be anything less. I am the master of my own destiny and I am not sure of the existence of heaven or hell. If there is a(are) god(s)or not but what i do know if there is some judgment when you die. If you have one sentence to describe how you lived you life. Mine would be: I lived my life the way that felt was right to my soul, my journey, my path on this earth was mine and mine alone to walk and I hold no regrets, not one.
II.
My friends have humbled me beyond words. When i need someone the most they were there without question or judgment and i can't begin to explain what that has done for me. The people that are in my life are not all my friends and 2009 will change that. Relationships are either are worth fighting for and saving or leaving and letting them die.

III.
There was a women. A stranger. Who healed me in away that I don't have the ability to explain in words. She didn't even know my first name but has left a permanent mark on my soul and I thank her for that.

2008 wasn't all bad there was a lot of good too and I am thankful that I get to see another year. I am looking forward to 2009 with much anticipation. I'll be 21 in a couple of weeks! I cannot wait to celebrate with some good drinks and amazing friends. I can't wait to go back to school and get refocused on whats really important. I miss Atl and can't wait for him to come back because i miss sleeping next to him ( did I really just write that?) hopefully 2009 will on have good things for us.

I almost forgot
tomorrow is my daddy 50 Birthday !

Paz,Amor,y Besos !
drink it up and live it down
Happy New Years(almost)

Musical Monday Musings

I choose this song for two reasons.
1. i have fallen in love with this band
2. the lyrics describe exactly how i feel about a certain someone

la familia

I love my family. I really do but that doesn't mean i like them. Every time i go home i confronted with the expectation of who i as.. Someone not of  my own choosing but of  circumstance that is childhood. Now that I've been away at school and I've had the chance to develop and become a person of my own choosing the two contradictions of self are constantly bumping heads. How i choose to my life more over how i want to live my life is vastly different from the expectations of my family. the more i come home the more i realize i have got to leave this city because staying here will rot you from the inside out.

No, Virginia there is not a Santa Claus

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to be PC but PC is for bitches.
I was not really feeling the Christmas spirit this year.
but after some drinks and being around friends and family
that make you laugh so hard you can't catch your breath
mad it easier to slip out of my Scrooge and into my own skin again

FUCK.

TMI Tuesday # 166 Merry Chirstmas!

1.What present do you hope ends up under you tree
what i really want i already know i can't have but a copy of Malcolm gladwell new book outliers would do.
2. What present are you most psyched about giving (PLEASE be vague or ignore this question if the recipient reads your blog)?
I already gave it to ATl which was a threesome with another girl ;)
3. DO you prefer to give or receive?
I like to give but who doesn't love free things
4. What is your favorite part off a sexual partner's body?
In general i like the arm muscles of a guy for some reason. On Atl he has a really nice cock. i know. i know what is sounds like but really definitely top 3. just perfect for jumping on and taking a ride on.
5. What is your favorite part your body - the one you hope a sexual partner will find or pay the most attention to?
ummm i am not sire my body seem to well taken care of but Atl did say he likes my dimples of Venus

love at first sight

M baby boy.

Musical Monday Musings( Def Poetry)

you have my heart so don't hurt me. atl after he sent me this video

Patience

Maybe i am waiting around for Pandora's box to be open.
By that i mean waiting for you to be real. for me to understand you for who you are.
But i know better. I have been here before.
Wondering how or why we are even friends.
I have run out of patience.
Waiting for the great reveal and i am starting to believe it doesn't exist.
I was after i had a conversation with HS that helped me come to this realization.
In the morning I woke up to ATL gently running his fingers across my body and I realized i am blessed. I have some amazing people in my life. People that i am willing that i to fight for our friendship for.
My friendship with the HS is one that I am no longer willing to fight for. How can I when i have people like M, eli, and even ATL who remind me what friendship is.
Not every relationship has to be saved and this is one that won''t be.
Its just the slow death thats painful.
Watching someone that you loved and cared about mean less and less to you each day.

TMI Tuesday 165

1. What is the greatest age difference between you and a SO? Older or younger?
when i was 14 i was with someone who was 23
2. What is the greatest age difference between between and any sexual partner? Older or younger?
Atl is 6 years older than me
3. Have you started your holiday shopping? Is it done?
yes
4. What are the chances there will be a "naughty" present under the tree this year (either from you or for you)?
atl getting his present on sat and it is very naughty
5. What is your favorite holiday song
I hate holiday songs

random thoughts

its official i am on god shit list. The lost of 80 dollars proved that.

I am not Hispanic! I am so tired of being asked this or people coming up and speaking spanish to me WTF

Who the hell turns down a threesome but i know who didn't

I love my family

the semester is over !!!!

my 21 is coming up in a month

love that my parents like atl

Musical Monday Musings ( late edition)

Atl is dangerous.
Last night we stayed awake talking til 4 am
when we finally fell asleep his body felt so right next to mine, you know what i mean?
I think i am falling for him. HARD. Hitting the cement at 100mph hard.

Text message i woke up to this morning from Mr. Atl

I wish i could eat your pussy one last time

I let him in on a secret of mine that I am genie and i can make your wishes come true

A little reminder

That I have some amazing people in my life that i am thankful for and i know sometimes i take them for granted but I am so grateful to have people who see the incredibly flawed creature that i am and still unconditional love me. Amazing isn't it? the people you can call at 4 in the morning because you life is falling apart or because you just need to laugh. Know the things about you that you never thought you share with another human being and still look at you the same way they did yesterday.

I had one of those 4am phone calls last nite to someone i have known for almost as long as I've been alive. just the sound of his voice makes me feel like i am home i am the most myself with him because i have nothing to hide afraid of no judgments because he is my first love and friend.He seen the worst of me and still the only person who can call me by that nickname. Yes,as I told him last night I am madly in love with you and have been since we first played in the sandbox and you poured dirt on my freshly braided hair and i whacked you upside the head with the metal shovel and you still have the scar to prove it He reminded me of the meaning friendship. What a real friend means and i can't believe how jaded I've been in calling some people friends. but all is revealed in time and i can see clearer than ever now

besos

Musical Monday Musings (two is always better than 1)

This wasn't the song i planned on using but I heard this song this morning while i was watching atl sleep this morning because i was wide awake at 5am.




I don't even know what I liked about you

Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.

I forgive you for being who you are
I know better, most people never change and you are no different
I don't trust you
enough to be my friend
to treat me like i was one
there is a reason why i didn't tell you what happened and i regret having told you
I don't trust you and without it you have nothing
I don't need or want you in my life again
and this a promise to myself i plan to keep

all of my hate can not be found i will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming

I think that Atl is the calm to my perfect storm.
I was so angry earlier and he calmed me down and he
put it in the perfect perspective for me.
He said that it was all my fault
that when you continue to allow
someone in your life who has
hurt you repeatedly before
you are only setting yourself
up for disappointment
are you really surprised?
no I said
then there is all the reason you need to
walk away and stay away

dear blog,
I know are relationship hasn't been perfect and lately you feel as though i have been neglecting you. Your, right and it has been for good reasons but i promise when i return i will share my stories of explicit drug use, sex in the library and doing a striptease to this song
love
me

Musical Monday Musings( comedy edition)

Because laughter heals the soul and stops me from flipping out on someone

How i feel about school and work and life



i have seen this in public

I know the words that come out of your mouth are bullshit
but i want so much to believe that sweet nothings become sweet somethings
but fools do believe
so give me something to believe in

Devine Karma

karma is a cosmic bitch
I found out a little secret
shall i share?

The Haitian Sensation and Minnie Mouse aka my best friend had SEX. Yes, the number one and two people in my life fucked each other and neglected to let me into this little tidbit of knowledge until now almost 3 years later. I mean with friends like this who need enemies, I kidding its not that serious. Well, mostly I am. Its not even the fact that the had sex so much that bothers me as them not being honest with it. But who am i to talk about being honest about who you fucked because this as to be some fucked karma for the Ms.Ghetto Wannabe situation. But this isn't the first time i had two people close to be me bet the last ones i expect to be humping but at least they we're honest about it from the start. But such is life ... le sigh

RIP to all the turkeys

I am so thankful for so very much
and it takes days like this to
remind me of what is really
important and never take for
granted everything and everyone
that i hold so dear to me
yes, the bitch does have
a heart and everyone in it
has earned their place.

I think i am dying
Have you ever had to shit and vomit at the same time?
and now i have to look forward to a car ride to Boston
tomorrow to meet Atl family
yeah i am sure i am going to make a great first impression ugh i am going to go puke now

I think i have a serious sex problem

Road Test

trying not to crash the car while getting some road head

Musical Monday Musings( I am yours)

Since i am in an incredible mood I thought i spread the feeling around a little bit with a lovely song about love because thats what i feel.

love

i am starting to wonder if you ever really can get over someone. I mean if you ever really loved someone how can you just stop. how do you turn the feelings off if you really at one point felt like that. But i think that maybe those feelings and emotions turn into something else. i think that if you love someone you want them to be happy and with that come the recognition that you might not be the person who can be that for them and thats ok. right?

Out from under

This isn't the song i had original thought of for the second one i was talking about on musical Monday musing but when i heard it i thought it was perfect. It describes exactly what i am feeling because there is still a small part that wants to things to be different but i know better.



And part of me still believes
When you say you’re gonna stick around
And part of me still believes
We can find a way to work it out
But I know that we tried everything we could try
So let's just say goodbye
Forever

liars turn me on

Musical Monday Musings

I've been trying to find a song to go with my you won the battle but lost the war post. There are two that i think are very fitting here is the first one

What I want from us is empty our minds
We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times
We go blind when we've needed to see
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

Something new

I have been making a lot of changes with the people that i allow to be in my life and Friday night just solidified for me that there will be more people who i will not be around anymore. I feel that the internal changes i have been making need to be reflected in my external reality. As painfully as ending some relationships have been like the one with HS , i feel it has been the best thing and i hold no regrets. So i have been putting myself out there meeting new people. Doing something i never do by giving people the chance to get to know me and be in my life and it has been amazing. Especially boys and i have been having a lot of fun being single and for the first time feeling really unattached to anyone. I have some meet some interesting characters but there is one that is kind of ruining my plan.

So what can i say about him. I call him Atl because that where he is from although he's lived more places than i could imagine at his age. He is 26 which i find to be very sexy. I like that our life experiences have been so vastly different but still we have a lot of common ground. I like that his edges are rough but he is still incredibly sweet like when he told me one of his favorite movies was the notebook. He makes me feel so sexy. i love how he says he loves my body, the way his lips feel on my skin. I like waking up to him in the morning, the way that his body is wrapped around my body makes it hard for me to sleep when he's not there.

I think i am falling for him

i am so over this bullshit

you won the battle but lost the war

or maybe i won the war.
let's see if i can get a million thoughts into coherent sentences. So where do i begin..........

I am not sure what is harder to admit the truth to yourself or to some one else.I tried to explain my truth to HS and what i told him was the simple answers. Here are the more complex ones.

I think that the death our relationship can be split evenly between us, I would even say that a greater part rest on my shoulders because i don't care anymore and i haven't for a while nor am i willing to fight for it either.
I am not sure of the exact moment this happened and i don't think there is one. I think most relationships die little deaths before the final ending.
So much has changed. I have changed but somehow things with you remain the same and as much as i loved you i can't live like that anymore.So,I stopped letting it bother me because i accepted reality as it, not as i wish or more over imagined it to be. And it has been the most freeing feeling.When you can see someone clearly with out that haze of who you wish to see life becomes a little bit simpler.

Its important to know when to let go you can't stay in some perversion of the past. I mean you can, but i refuse to live my life like that anymore.I truly do believe that the people who are meant to be in your life will be there, come hell or high water. That what a friend is.I don't have many friends. Never have. Acquaintances, yes. you know the people who you say hi to, hang out with but still don't know anything that lies beneath your surface. Yup, i have a hell of a lot of those but friends those a rare gems indeed and i treasure them. You were my friend at one time but not anymore and you haven't been for awhile.If i have learned anything this year it is that i know what i want, what i deserve, what i am willing to fight for, and what i willing to let go of.

am I happy? no i wouldn't go that far but i am content. and for the first time in awhile happiness seems like an obtainable goal. Everyday i try to make active and conscious choices in my life To reaffirm to myself that way i want to live my life and that has echoed throughout ever aspect in my life. i truly do believe you get back what you put out into the universe. But first you have to but some stuff down, let it go or else it weighs you down so heavily you'll never reach anything new.

like i wrote in my and they lived happily ever after a part, post it comes down to a matter of self worth. It doesn't mean that you don't love the person or that there not important, its just that i love myself more and if someone can't honor and respect things that you find to be fundamental to who you are then it time to move on. I once wrote that I could fill a book with your bullshit so this the last page. This is how the story end.

truer words have never been spoken

"I mean, maybe not all friendships have to be saved. You know, maybe we're just meant to spend a certain part of our lives with certain people and then move on. Isn't that what this year is supposed to be about? Moving on?” - dawsons creek

"I'm growing up again...I'm learning to accept that all good things must come to an end. I'm growing up again...I'm trying to understand what it's like to let go of a friend." - the ataris, "in spite of the world"

That's the risk you have to take if you change: that people you've been friends with won't like the new you...but other people who do will come along." - Lisa Alther

just some food for thought that will be explained later in another post

Half Nekkid Thursday

this is my first pic of me not taken by me

Atl took this earlier this morning when
we woke up because he was
hungry and wanted some
strawberries.

sigh.............

Today is one of those days, gut -wrenching lay in bed because the day is fucked up days. I hate the world, why is the sun even shinning days. Lately I have been drowning in a sea a thoughts. I keep trying to remind myself of whats important. What I know to be true. but still i can't help but be suffocated by endless what ifs and trying to realization the past, the unchangeable. Its a kind of mental suicide and I fear i may be the next victim.

Earlier today I took out some of my frustration out on Portugal and it was totally uncalled for and it was one of the moments that shine so clear and I realized that I say hurtful things because thats i feel inside. I apologized and he sent me an email with a link to this video and lyrics. He wrote

your better than that. Today are the kind days that reminds you to appreciate the better days. Remember that its already tomorrow somewhere in the world and if we're lucky we get our chance at tomorrow but do what you can with today because that all we have.

video:


Can you feel it crush you? does it seem to bring the worst in you out?
There's no running away from these things that hold you down.
Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this?
Of all the colors that you've shined, this is surely not your best.
But you should know these colors that you're shining are,

Happy Veterans Day

To my papa, my ,grandpapa who served in 2 wars, my uncle who spent 25 yrs in the military, to my cousin and friend who are both in Iraq and to all of the past and present women and men who serve and served our country.

TMI Tuesday 160

1. Ever been skinny dipping?
no not that i can remember
2. How often do you kiss or make out without it simply being a foreplay activity?
Depends on the person and my mood but in general i am not a fan of kissing or making out
3. On a scale of 1-10, how content are you with your life? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) Do you think 'content' and 'happy' the same thing? I would say an 8 because I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin again. No i don't think content and happy are the same thing . I would rather be happy than content any day.
4. What do you do to relieve stress?
having sex would be number one but more often than not i go for a run or spend the day myself to get myself re focused..
5. What was the special trait in your first lover that made you decide that they were "the one?"
no one made me smile like he did and he made me feel beautiful rather than sexy.
Bonus: How old were you when you first had sex? (positive experiences here...)
Old enough to know he was the one i wanted.

Musical Monday Musings ( Miss Independent Edition)

There ain't nothing that's more sexy
Than a girl that want but don't need me
Young independent, yea she work hard
But you can tell from the way that she walk
She don't slow down cause she ain't got time
To be complaining, shawty gon shine
She don't expect nothing from no guy
She plays aggressive, but she still shy
But you never know her softer side 

By lookin in her eyes 

 

If i had to have a personal theme song that would come on every time I entered a room this would be it. i have some interesting stories to telling about my Saturday night including getting  in a fight with the boy i was with, having sex until 7 am,  going to some random dorm party where Ms. ghetto wannabe was and a couple of other mini adventures i had but that  for another day.

random

i really do hate being put out of my comfort zone
but if anything is going to change this is the first
of many steps. I always anticipate things to be worst
than in reality they have ever turned out to be.
pss. I have a secret. don't tell anyone. promise?

I think i found my 1 percent a man who not only do i love to fuck but am in love with. Shocking isn't it. i think i found someone I would willing be monogamous with with no regrets at all. more on him later. I am out to meet his brother and best friend. Wish me luck!!

Dead again

I had another dream with me dying. This time I was driving a motorcycle and I started losing control and drove of a cliff. then i started falling until i woke up in my bed with thump as my whole body moved like when your falling and you catch yourself that's what it felt like.

once agian i looked up what the elements of my dream meant:

Falling- Loss of honor. Fear of failure. Loss of power and feeling out of control.

Cliff-Conclusion of affairs .Challenge.Aspirations.

Motorcycle -Motion. Travel. Vigor. Virility. Ready to be more masterful in your life.

Driving- Work on energy and power. Looking for the desired destination.

Some dreams never come true hopefully

Last night i had a dream I was murdered, it was do vivid that when i woke i couldn't o back to sleep.There was no words but i felt a lot of emotion a lot of hate, anger and strangely love because the person who shot me felt like a lover. We were fighting and then i ran to the bathroom and couched on the floor with fear and he came in and shot me in the face. like that it was over and i felt myself dying.

I looked up the meeting and this is what i found:

To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.

Half Nekkid Thursday( Halloween Edition)

 

 

You can call me Ms. Officer if your nasty.

and they lived happly ever after apart......

Every story has an ending and i believe for anyone to move on there needs to be closure. Its funny i started this awhile but i didn't finish it for many reasons. This is the closest I have come to explaining in words what I am feeling

I talked to my mommy about it this morning because it bothered me that much and as much as i like to think that she doesn't know me in fact she know me far to well. So I came to several conclusion some are harder to admit then other but all equal in the peace of mind they have/ are bringing me. This is more a letter to myself I had to get it all out

I think the hardest thing is to admit the truth to yourself, So here is my truth

I. Its unbelievable to see how love can set me free.

I loved you. The way Shakespeare wrote compares nothing to the way I felt for you.
My bounty is as deep as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
Love has a way of breathing life into you so thank you for making me alive. The laughter and smiles that i have had have been the greatest reward in loving you.


II. Hate is a strong word but
I don't hate you
Every human being has a redeeming quality about them and you have many. But that's not enough for me. My mom said the question becomes were there was more laughter than tears caused by him and I said laughter but the tears weigh heavier on my heart, harder to forget and I think its like that for a good reason.

III. There's no point in thinking about yesterday.It's too late not. It won't ever be the same.We're so different now.

This is the hardest part. I had typed something else but after i read it I erased it because it left me feeling to vulnerable to have part of my heart spewed out across the screen. But what i will say is that to me its a matter of the recognition of my own self worth and if you can't honor and recognize that then I will find someone who will. its more than that and simpler. what it really comes down to is that if u can't have you as a lover than be my friend and you haven't been either.



I' ve made my choice and made up my mind. I am moving on, life is to short. Change is the currency of life and I think this will be a good one so HS consider this my last goodbye.

TMI Tuesday 159

1. Have you ever had a moving violation? An auto accident? That was your fault?
umm no i don't even have my license yet
2. Have you ever voted? How old was your were you the first time you voted?
Yes I voted to day and I never been more proud to see so many people participating in democracy I was glad that I had to wait in line to vote it should always be like this.
3. Are you glad this election cycle is over?
lets see who wins first.
4. Do you have guilty pleasure? What is it (or are they)?
no i don't really have guilty over anything i desire.
5. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done recently?
I was going to say walking in my Halloween costume past several members of the basketball team and having them all stop and stare was really embarrassing but last nite when i went home I was in the bus station when this boy started sing boys to men I'll make love to you to me in front of everyone. I turned so red and wanted to turn and run away but i was in shock and couldn't move

Musical Monday Musings ( No video edition)

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well
But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all 
    ---- Decode


When I first heard this song I immediately thought of you. Funny, I wonder why but then i realized i didn't care. That it did not bother like it used to or like it should and you know what? I am ok with that. I can't remember the last time i felt so relieved. Acceptance brings a peace of mind I have never experienced before. Is this what happiness feels like?

note to self

Men for their one physical attribute that I adore they are still in general 99.999 of them are worthless pieces of shit.

Half Nekkid Thursday

green with envy

TMI Tuesday 158 (Firsts)

1. Who and when was your first crush?
Thomas in 7 grade
2. Who and when was your first date?
same as above
3. Who and when was your first kiss?
kiyah in  the 6 grade
4. Who and when was your first partner while "fooling around" in car?
Portugal freshman year of hs
5. Who and when was your first partner while "fooling around" in a house?
same as above
6. Who and when was your first love?
good question  i am not sure

Here I am expecting just a litlle bit to much

I am slightly pissed at the moment and although a call to Portugal stopped me going Bomqueshia because lately there has been so much bullshit that ghetto ignorant part of my personality has been wanting to come out.

I have had enough words and no action
enough excuse that I could fill a book with your bullshit
I refuse to allow people in my life who do nothing with there meaningless words
I can't and I won't have my life suffocated with these people
actually let me stop the bullshit it not people so much as one person that i am done.
Now this has been said soooo many times before but i feel like a breaking point has been reached.
Either changes have to be made or I am walking away and walking away seem to be the road of least resistance and i am taking it.
Why spend some much time and energy on someone who has only shown their extraordinary ability to break your heart and disappoint you?
I am so over this bullshit and ready to put my love , energy and most importantly friendship into someone who can give me more than their fucking useless, meaningless emotionless fucking words.
Alright i am done ranting back to studying physics


There is a story behind this song but when Portugal sent me this video after my melt down I had to smile because it reminds me that there are people in my life who give me so much more than words, I mean this one action of sending me this video made me realize why i still have him in my life

Musical Monday Musings

My skin is like a map
of where my heart has been
And I can´t hide the marks
but it´s not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
drop my defenses down by my clothes
I´m learning to fall
with no safety net to cushion the blow

when i wrote about letting go i decided to throw myself into head first. I mean how can you move on from someone if you don't give anyone else a chance and honestly, it has been the best thing. I think i had forgotten what it was like to have someone like you and the way it feels to be wanted. Its scary and exciting at the same time and I love it

I would like to thank officer Ramirez for not arresting my ass last night because like he said i don't look like I am prison material because i am not.

I just had the best sex ever

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
--- I can't hate you anymore


People change i have to keep reminding myself of that. Yes, I understand that but it doesn't mean i have to accept that... at least until now. When someone you love starts to mean less and less to you everyday, how do you change that or do you accept it?

Here is my resolution
I am letting go

Deep breath in

Half Nekkid Thursday( i am early)

 

these are my favorite shorts to hang around my house/dorm in. One

summer my dad asked me to mow the front lawn so i did

it in these shorts. I haven't been asked to mow it since.

TMI Tuesday 157

1. Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience?
yes
2. Did you ever own a fake ID?
no, i am almost 21 so i don't see the point
3. How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking?
 I try not to but when i do i think its mostly without thinking
4. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism?
Depends on who it comes from but in general i think its 7
5. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
yes
Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?

I think more women than one would think are capable and less man than everyone assumes

I am having one of those blah days. I've spent the day in my bed, sleeping and a and a lot of thinking. I still have no answers just more questions but i do know one thing I am not happy. Now that is the easy part its fixing it that hard. Why does happiness seem to be such an elusive thing always within reach but just out of touch. Just writing about this is making me even more depressed ugh.....

Emotions

emotions are a tricky thing. they have a way of creeping up on you and sucker punching you in the face right when you least expect it. So I have a little jealousy mixed with an ounce of caring and a whole lot of WTF because i am not like that and i don't understand why i am feeling the way i do. Alright back to finishing my midterm

nightmare

I am so restless right now.
I should be sleeping but i can't
or rather i am afraid to. I've
been having nightmares lately.
I usually don't remember my dreams
but when i do they are very vivid and
hard to forget and this something i rather not
remember, but there it is in every thought.
I woke up crying from it the other night
thank god i don't have a roommate to explain
that one to when i barely understand it myself.
I am so tired. I am trying to move on
but how can you do that
when visions of the past haunt you in your
sleep?

Half Nekkid Thursday

Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul,
To a woman so heartless

Kanye West

Its not the first time someone has called me heartless

and it won't be the last.

Musical Monday Musings ( Tuesday Edition)

Boy don't try to front
I know just what you are
womanizer


When i first heard this song i immediately thought of two people Portugal and Daddy Big Dick more the latter because Portugal claims to be reformed from his I am not a whore I am European stage. I require few things from a fuck buddy mainly to make me cum and honesty. Now he has the first part down like a science but he seems to have a genetic disposition to lying. I really don't understand why either lying is something you do to your girlfriend not your fuck buddy. In theory this is supposed the most bullshit free type of relationship but lying complicates things in all types of relationships. I have been dealing with boys like this since I was 14 and i have only gotten better at handling them with age. the real secret that seems to escape most men is a little bit of honest gets you a lot of pussy. Trust me women are more simple than you think a least this women is.

Half Nekkid Thursday ( Saturday Edition)

I am spending the long weekend at Portugal's house because i am sick and its the one time I drop the my independent women anthem and want to be taken care of. Because nothing make me  feel better than some cold medicinal and being catered to. Yes, i am wearing full length footsie pj because they are the softest and warmest thing know to man. And duckies are oh so sexy in my opinion.

But your just a boy....

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man

Its time to move on.
Simply I am done with
the games boys play
and I want a man
simple enough, right?

So maybe life does work in mysterious ways
because what are the chances that a boy you meet almost
5 years ago would reappear in your life and still give you
butterflies like the first time you saw him.

Half Nekkid Thursday

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease

fill in the blank

the difference between love and hate is

i still can't sleep throuh the nite and i don't think that is going to change anytime either. the last 72 hours have been undescrible and so much has chaned but i still feel the same and not in a good way either.

i just want to wake up and be ok

Asking for help has to be one of the most humbling experiences.
i am throughly humbled

Your nothing like the person you pretend to be, so its time to take of the mask.

The future scares me. Everyday i go to bed dreading the coming morning. Thats not how its supposed to be and i am parallelized by fear to change it. That fear as lead me to this moment now. I am nothing like the person i want to be and the worst part is that it may be to late to change it

168 hours

Things are so fucked up
I don't know what to do
I just want to curl up and die

the best advice

My ex boyfriend who I will call Portugal, is one of my closest friends sent me this book and it has the best advice and has become my new mantra when it comes to men.

"You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time."
– He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Wasting my time

You just made my decision this much easier
I don't hate you
but
I am not in love with you anymore
and
I don't want you in my life anymore.ever.
I wasted so much time on you
how could i be so stupid.

The illiusin of progress

There has been a lot of talk about change lately and i am calling bullshit on it. What threw me over the edge today was facebook. Its seems like everyone is talking about some kind of change they have made or want to acknowledge but to me nothing has really changed, in actuality it is all painfully the same.

i feel that any real substantial change is not the something one proclaims on your facebook status. It doesn't need to be announced or even acknowledged by another person.

Do i believe people can change? Sure why not but its probably one of the hardest things one can attempt because it requires the self acknowledgment in the responsibility of who you are. What i mean is that really change comes from the realization that it is not the people, situation, or events that made you who you are or act a certain way its- you. It always has been you, how you acted or perceived those people,situations, events, emotions, ect shaped you to be the person you are. No one else. Sure shit happens but shit has and will always happen living life is full of surprises like that.

Its giving up your victim status that the things that happen to you- the shitty things people do, the way the world can seem impossible fucked up when everything goes wrong all at once stop being your identity.

Hard shit to do at any age, but at 20 near impossible.

because people are still walking around with the burdens of the past of what she did to me, what he didn't say and the elephants in the room continue to grow. Nothing has really changes you just but a new face on the same shit but it still smells the same to me.

Or I could be wrong like I said real change doesn't need to be acknowledges by another human but with change comes actions and it starting to feel like groundhog day all over again.

So what about myself, have I changed? Now thats the million dollar question.

If I am being honest the last few weeks overall i have been feeling a lot sadder and lonelier than I can remember and in general I feel so unhappy.
but its ok because these are all things i feel not who i am. and i am learning to but space between the people, events, and emotions I have been feeling lately and seeing the bigger picture. At least I am trying to. Its like i am giving myself permission to feel the things I do, really for the first time I am letting myself acknowledge all these emotion and the causes but most importantly let them go because what you felt is not nearly important as how you feel.

Hot pocket

Did I really just eat a hotpocket at almost 5 in the morning.
Yes, the fuck i did
Its the stress
Its the reason I am awake right now even though i have class at 8 in the fucking morning.
Its causing me to also have pimples the size on mount Rushmore on my face.
And I know the following days are going to be shitty as well, god help me.

Reminder

This weekend I was reminded just how important it is to tell the people in my life that you love how important they are and how much they mean to you. And its more than just words because talk is cheap. Its showing those who matter just how much them being in your life has affected you

food for thought

You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore.
---- battlestar galactica

You left a stain on every one of my good days

The easy part is telling yourself your over it.
The harder part is convincing your heart of that same truth.
He used to make my heart flutter ( excuse the cheesiness)
now it beats to the steady pace of knowing better.
So is that what moving on feels like?
I think the real test of whether or not your over someone is that if you see them do you swell up with with positive emotion that overrules the sanity of the negativity or is it the other way around?

But i feel something else. I am not sure what that is. Acceptance, maybe?
What i mean is that if you really love someone you never stop.
I think you that you just stop letting it get to you.

loving someone is never enough of a reason to keep someone in you life
especially if they'll just end up break your heart again.

thoughts before bed

when we wake up in the morning, we have two simple
choices: go back to sleep and dream, or wake up and
chase those dreams.

TMI Tuesday # 150 (Better late then never)

1. When was the last time someone hit on you? What went down?
On Sunday I went to dinner with what could be consider my boyfriend, i guess( more on that later) and this man walk by and say that he thinks that i am beautiful and he was a luck man. It was actually real nice and came of genuine so we smiled and said thank you
2. If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)?
I have always had a thing for Hayden Christensen
3. Have you ever had done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment?
No
4. Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out?
Yes, at least I try to apologize. . I think the first reaction is to be defensive but i am working on that.
5. Top or bottom?
Its like choosing between chocolate or vanilla ice cream. So you get the swirl and get the best of both worlds.
Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience?
12 0r 13

you remind me of a girl that i once knew.....

A new school year has started and i have a lot of thoughts about that but the main one on my mind is my roommate. I mean she is black and from the same place I am and although at first she was a little shy she is really nice. But there is one thing that i find interesting to say the least. She reminds me of Ms. ghetto wannabe, I had the surrealist moment when it finally hit me about her. I don't mean it in a bad way either its just an observation.

she also has a girlfriend which i find to be the most interesting part, more on that later

Right now

I was going to write something profound about the last 72 hours in which i experienced and learned a few things about myself but instead on this lovely Monday i find myself happy and content with the way things are at this moment and that is a rare thing so i am going with it. i am happy to be at school, happy with my friends and life seems to be in some unreal balance in which i am content to live in in this very moment and appreciate it for what it is/was. So tomorrow is another day and i welcome it.

Should I stay or should I go

I am thinking about deleting this blog. I almost did it yesterday but the thought of my thoughts being erased permanently stopped me. I have keep every journal, poem, short story i have written since I can remember. Any form of self expression I have keep it because it old memories of were I've been as a writer and they are important to me. And that what this blog was supposed to have been another form of self expression where i could be honest and write to my hearts content but not anymore. I am not honest, I am a liar and a damn good one but lies grow tiresome and heavy on the soul. So much has happened but i haven't written about, so what is the point of this anymore? So i am going to make this private for my eyes only as i can always have the memories for myself because i don't want to share anymore. And i going to start another one somewhere in the infinite possibilities of the internet.

to delete or not to delete that is the question

TMI Tuesday 149 When you wish upon a star

You find a fairy. With a wave of their wand they can change anything for you.




What is the one thing you would change about your body?
I need a booty
What is the one personality trait you would change?
I care far to much what people think
What is the one thing about your job you would change?
Down with the bitch known as B
What is the one thing about your home you would change?
my dad would fix the dishwasher
What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change?
jealousy is never cute
Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why?
I have already done it because you can't allow someone to keep hurting you
Who is the one person you would poof back in and why?
I can't just have one so i choose none.

My feelings exactly

Struggle for the Present

The hardest thing that i have ever attempted is to live in the present. All my emotions - all the anger and sadness that i have been feeling are wrapped up with people and events from the past. But those emotion consume my present. They are almost intoxicating and provide a constant sense of misery. I can't seem to find away to move on. I am too angry. How did I allow myself to waste so much time and effort with someone who obviously at the end of the day doesn't love and care about me the same way i do them and why did i waste my time with someone who has only caused chaos in my life from day one????

I think that these questions have a really simple answer that is hard to accept. Because i am human and i am made mistakes..... maybe? But thats not important. I think that i need to start looking at it for what it really is. A moment in the series if moments that make of your life, in my twenty years of life these are just more moments that strung together are a part of my life. Not my life and not who i am because i am so much them a series of moments, right?

So here come the hard part. Take a deep breath, acknowledge how you felt and how you feel. grieve and let it go. letting go of the past is kind of like a death, isn't it?

The mourning stops tonight. The funeral has been held and the dead are buried and cold. That what the tombstone is there for, to do remind you but not bind you to what is no longer present.

THI Tuesday # 148

1. Are you truly politically correct? Be honest.
No, only if we're honest with each other can there be progress.
2. Will you ever streak in public during rush hour?For the right amount of money, why not.
3. Would you ever do something sexual in public (more than 20 people around)? yes, been there done that
4. Do you ever not have good table manners?
If I am by myself than i do as i please.
5. Do you ever fantasize about a public sexual act? Describe. No, its not one of my sexual fantasizes even though i have done it before.

buddha says

"Put your ear down next to your soul and listen hard."

I am listening
Can you hear me now?

Close your eyes
and count to three
your life will be
normal when you hit three

Musical Monday Musing

My friend sent me this song because he said it reminded him of me so I thought i share because it made me smile and it a nice song

Wipe that smile off your fucking face

Working at that big box store in the pit of hell is slowly eating away at my soul.

TMI Tuesday #145 - Language(late) Edition

1. What is your language pet peeve. (example 'hot water heater',
why would you heat hot water)i don't think i have one
2. What is your favorite word? Both dirty and clean?
Dirty is FUCK because its reliable and versatile and clean is you can't go wrong with YES
3. What is the one word you cannot spell?
There are a lot of words i can not spell
4. What is the one word you always pronounce wrong?
Can i ax you a question?
5. If you could erase one popular catchphrase from the english language, what would it be?
Thats what she said.
Bonus (as in optional): The late, and very hot Michael Hutchence (INXS) once said, "Words are weapons, sharper than knives" . What is the most hurtful thing you have ever said to anyone? Was it deliberate or accidental? What was the most hurtful thing ever said to you? Do you think it was deliberate or accidental? I think that i say the most hurtful thing unintentional because i know i can have a sharp tongue so i self edit and if its still hurtful its only half of what i originally wanted to say.
Although i am really sensitive it take a lot to really hurt me and every time its happen i have always felt it was intentional.

Personal Responsibility

Its a huge character flaw i have and it could be Fatal.
My emotions
My actions
My interactions
Are all wrapped up in my inability to take responsibility

Hello, There Stranger

Ever, come across a stranger that reflects a part of yourself. Suddenly that nameless person has a become a part of you for that instant second.Their silent struggle has spoken the deafening words to your own and in a moment they suddenly own your name and you their.



On the lighter side of randomness i am feeling this coldplay song

The road map

that the more people open up to you the more responsible you become for not misusing what they share.

Its like giving someone a road map across the darkest parts of who you are with a big red x drawn across the parts that say hurt me here.

I guess it is like a test of faith that you give someone. When you let them into the most intimate parts of your inner self it becomes the ultimate test. You give them the power to hurt you and trust them not to or be strong enough to forgive them if they do

Food for thought

I have been reading this book by Eckhart Tolle and i can honestly say there has never been words written by a stranger that have touched me so deeply.

Back to my blogging breaak

Trying to let go, to forgive,does not work. Forgiveness happens naturally when you see that it has no purpose other than to strengthen a false sense of self, to keep the ego in place.


The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion.

Hebrew 11:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.


I am taking a blogging break.
With everything that has/ will be going on within the
next week i feel like i need to take a step back and focus on me.
I plan on being back Aug 1.
Maybe sooner maybe later or maybe never.
So, for now its a catch me if you can.
Peace.


I think that this song is appropriate to how i feel. How I've been feeling




Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it
--- one republic

FEAR

Fear it paralyzes me. Its all consuming. In every waking thought, it finds its way into my dreams creating nightmares.

Proud

i am so proud of my sister making it to the usatf jr Olympics.

Nebraska here she comes!

Pre Crack Whitney

tonight my family and i were chilling in my back yard and listening to some music when my dad but on some precrack Whitney music and it brouht back a flood of memories from y childhood.

Its funny how the words have a new meaning to me now that i am order.

enjoy

tired

i can't remember the last time i have been so physically exhausted. This week i have been working from 2 to 10:30 and tomorrow I have to work 7 to 4..ugh.
I came this close to cussing a women out at my register today but that little voice inside my head told me to let that heifer go.

bedtime, i have far more interesting thins to write about but i am so tired. Another day another time

TMI Tuesday #142 - Deadly Sins Late Edition

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?
I attribute lust to desiring someone you can't have and i can say that there have been few people in my life that i intensely desired sexual and couldn't have but there was this one boy in high school.
2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?
Any good food especially pizza and cupcakes because i would eat them until my stomach couldn't hold anymore
3. GREED: What are you greedy for?
love
4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?
laying around with a good book and trashy tv
5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.
I rather not its not one of my prouder moments.
6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?
I don't think i envy anyone or anything but there are people who have qualities I want , so I guess i envy that.
7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?
Yes, and it went down rough. I am proud of myself because i changing the thins in my life that need to be.

Words mean nothing

Some of the most important things in life are always easier said then done. Like I love you or i am sorry,I've just been thinking a lot about the meaning of these words and the lack of sincerity i feel when people- even myself when i say them. At first I thought that the words had lost there meaning but that not it its the person behind those words that puts all the intent and meaning truely into the words.

Note to self

I just want my life back

Life is a Journey not a Destination

My daddy always says that to me and I really haven't thought much of it till now. There have been some many changes in my life- everything is so different, i am so different. This isn't the journey that I thought i be on but its mine nonetheless and I am taking control of it. At least I am trying to. I figure all of these events are just part of my journey, my story. I just pray for better days, clarity of thought and a reflection I can recognize in the mirror.

Life is Random get with it

i can't sleep because i have so many random thoughts going through my mind so I thought i share:

Second chances they don't ever matter, people never change.

Someone ate my curry chicken and all the fucking rice and left me a bone, why?

I am surprised i can fit my pants still.

maybe i should move to cali

am i the only one who thinks the new hulk movie sucks?

i miss having hbo because there is nothing else on at 3 am in the morning

love is such a useless word

I am actually excited about working that will probably be the first and last time i say that.

I wasted my time

I like this foo fighters song



now its time to sleep

Conclusions

I would have loved you forever

words i am trying tp live by

To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes,
and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is to fear less,
and love more.

A Quick Note

A change is in the air
can you feel it?
because i can!

Slowly i am making some positive changes in my life and it feels good.
1. I think i have found myself a job and i am excited so i am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well.
2. I have ended relationships that needed to be.
3. there is still one major important thing i need to take care of


details to come in the near future

The Laws of Attraction

I was watching Oprah the other week and she was talking about the book the secret. Which i will be reading the second that i can get my hands on a copy. On the show they were talking about the laws of attraction, how you attract that kind of people and events in your life by your thought process. Which I think is an interesting concept, that i am trying to incorporate into my life- more positive thinking. which has got me trying to do more of the thins that i love that remind me of who i am and more importantly who i want to become. I even made a vision board where i just wrote out what i wanted from myself and the kind of life i want to live and it feel so good to see it written out. If only know i can but words into action, which i am trying to do.

Melt my heart to stone

Sometimes when I hear a song on the radio it feels as if the artist has just taken a part of my story and put it into lyrics and music more beautiful than I could have ever express with my own words but these words ring no less true within my soul.





Right under my feet there’s air made of bricks
Pulls me down turns me weak for you
I find myself repeating like a broken tune
And I’m forever excusing your intentions
And I give in to my pretendings
Which forgive you each time
Without me knowing
They melt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love
I’m the only one in love

Each and every time I turn around to leave
I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed
So desperately I try to link it with my head
But instead I fall back to my knees
As you tear your way right through me
I forgive you once again
Without me knowing
You’ve burnt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love
I’m the only one in love

Why do you steal my hand
Whenever I’m standing my own ground
You build me up, then leave me dead

I hear your words you made up
I say your name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love
I’m the only one in love

I couldn't do.
I can't tell her.
I am so afraid i will say it and see the love she has for me change.
I can't risk it
That would break my heart beyond repair.

I have to make some important phone calls tomorrow and see if i can fix this by myself.
I hate talking on the phone.
Such a simple thing but is scares the shit out of me.
I need to be stronger than this.
I am stronger than this.

I just hope i get the answer that lead to light rather than the dark cause god knows how dark it is here now.

Confession is good for the soul

I decided that tomorrow(today now) I am going to tell my mommy whats been wrong with me lately.

I figure you can't control how the people you love will react to certain things- to anything. But I feel that if you love someone a quarter of how much you say or they feel then the uttering of 10 words or less, shouldn't change that, right?

I tried to convince myself that at i am fully grown and could handle this by myself but the truth is I don't think i have ever needed another human being more.

Quite simply i need my mommy
lets hope she will be there.

day old hate

Now you still speak of day old hate
Though your whole world has gone up into flames
And isn’t it great to find that you’re really worth nothing

--- City and Colour

With everything that has been going on lately I have been spending a lot of time at M house. I’ve known M since the cradle and he is in my earliest childhood memories. He has been more than my friend , he is my family, my soul mate in every meaning of the word.

So the other night I crawled into his bed as he was sitting up doing one of those stupid math puzzles, and i started talking to him about the Haitian Sensation

“He said he didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I don’t talk him or whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.”

“He must not know you very well.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“ You’ve always been like that. Every since you could speak you have chosen not to. And you won’t until the moment you are ready and not a second before that. That thing with you that you might not every say certain things to another person…. And that is your right, to for better or for worse it who you are, who you’ve been.”

“Why do you give a fuck anyway?”

I think that my show of emotions caught him off guard because I have been told more than once that if they didn’t know better they swore I had ice water running through my veins
“Because… I love him and I would never say anything like that… even if I felt like that.
He has this way of making me feel like I am not good enough. Like I am not a good person and I know I am and I don’t understand why I care so fucking much.”

“E… listen you know the kind of person you are. Anyone who make you feel less than that doesn’t get the right to be in your life and when they choose to walk out they don’t get the choose to walk back in.”

Its like the situation between Ms. Ghetto Wannabe and I, I can’t stand the thought of someone not liking me, I guess it my inner fiver year old. But whether or nor someone wants to be my friend becomes of little consequence to me. I have always viewed friends as a luxury rather than a necessity, and I don ‘t know why that is I have always just been that way. There were years in my childhood were I had a lot of friends and chose to surround myself with people. And then there are other time in my child were I was a lone wolf of sorts and chose not only not to hang around other people but to not talk to anyone unless absolutely necessary.


I just have this deep intrinsic mistrust of people. There could be one or a thousands reasons why I am like this, I honest don’t know why, all I know is that this is who I am as a person. I feel like this toward everyone- friends, family, strangers.

People disappoint me. Relationships disappoint me. Its not like I have these unrealistic expectations of what I expect people to be or my relationships are supposed to be like. I think I am actually a good judge of character and generally accepting of who people are, at least I try to be.

My feelings are mixed to say the least. I am not angry or even sad I am just a little bit hurt. That the overwhelming emotion I have. Can’t say that I am surprised, experience has been the best teacher. That when you need someone the most or in your darkest hour the only person you can trust- depend on is yourself.

Situations like these force you to do a lot of reflecting on the life that you are living. I’ve been thinking a lot about the kind of person I am and the people that are/were in my life. And you know what? I am glad for it .
Things change. People change.
The person you fell in love with isn’t always the person you wake up to in the morning.
M said it best the next morning : “ the people in your past don’t always earn the right to be in your future.”

Even better said now that I think of it is HS himself. He’s right, there is a certain type of freedom in knowing who your true friends are.

Wishful thinking

I want to wake up tomorrow and have the last series of events have been a dream. Like a video game I want to push restart and try again.

L'Éternité

Simply it is one of my favorite poems and allows me to escape to a world that is not crashing down on me.

It has been found again.
What? – Eternity.
It is the sea fled away
With the sun.

Sentinel soul,
Let us whisper the confession
Of the night full of nothingness
And the day on fire.

From humain approbation,
From common urges
You diverge here
And fly off as you may.

Since from you alone,
Satiny embers,
Duty breathes
Without anyone saying: at last.

Here is no hope,
No orietur.
Knowledge and fortitude,
Torture is certain.

It has been found again.
What? – Eternity.
It is the sea fled away
With the sun.
---- Rimbaud

Murphy's Law

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong

I feel like my life has been taken over by Murphy's Laws. Yes, I am in my own world/hell that is governed exclusively by these laws. My personal and family life are falling apart.

Fuck.

nothing is going right or even well for that matter.

I can't stand to see my mommy sad, nothing makes me hurt more or feel more like a child then when my mom is sad.

Ugh but at the moment i need to focus on myself and handling my issues. Before i can do anything else i need to fix myself. I just hope that i am strong enoughs to do what i need to.

In the next two weeks everything going to change.

Has no one told you she not breathing

I don't know what to do
I am scared and alone.
I know I am strong and can handle this.
That this problem is of my own creation.
But I just want someone to talk to.
To understand me and not judge me and let me hurt.
Let me bury my head in their shoulder and cry until i feel like i can breath again.

My family or friends are not an option. There isn't anyone i trust enough not my mother ,sister and i can't think of a friend either. i just don't trust anyone to not just hear what i am saying but actually listen to what I said. Some people are to judgmental even with the best of intentions and i can't stand the thought of someone looking or think less of me or differently and i know that this will happen. So I'll keep it to myself.

But i do think that i am going to have to see a psychiatrist or a counselor because i am not ok.

Visual Expression of how i feel

Well, I never pray but tonight
I am on my knees

I am not dead

at least not yetmy poor neglected blog I will be back with vengeance that is if i survive final because i am up right now only because i have been at the library writing to paper and i am still not fucking done. But Its nap time because I really can't understand the finer parts of Cicero at the moment. But i do have a lot of stories and rambling to report including the cons of drunken hillbilly sex.

Time for my nap because thats all 4 hours of sleep can be considered and then back to Cicero.

My first HNT

"In the game of seduction, there is only one rule. Never fall in love."
- Cruel Intentions

But I threw you the obvious

I am pissed and I am not sure why and I am just not in a good mood. There a lot of things going on at home and school giving me more stress than i know how to deal with. You know when it rains it pours, well right now i am drowning. I am over it. I am seeing things and people more clearly and to quote the wise Andrea 3000 Roses really smell like boo, boo,boo. I am trying to close some chapters in my life. They have been written and reread far to many time to have any meaning... lesson learned over and over again. Its time to start something and someone new


enjoy...