"People change for two reasons: they either
learn enough so that they want to or they
hurt enough so that they just have to."
- Unknown
There has been a lot of change in my life lately and its sscary and exciting at he same time but I think the biggset change that is coming is myself.
I think... no, I know I am a good person and I usually have the best of intentions even if they always doesn't play out as planned. and the thought of my actions hurting someone intentionally or unintentionally really gets under my skin because i would ate to be the cause of anyones pain.
But I know i can be a better person and I know am not always the person that god intends me to be or my soul wants me to be. I am trying to change. So I'll take it one day at a time to be a better person today than I was yesterday.
Point and example is I could have done something that could have broken one of my New Years resolutions but I didn't for so many reason that belong to me.
yup, one day at time.
Monday, January 28, 2008
A quite desperation is building higher......
I can't sleep but what else is new. Even though i am physically tired something about the stillness of night cause my mind to endless wonder and think about all the shit in my life and since there is a lot I am still awake thinking.
Part of me is wondering why I am here. A huge part of me didn't wanna come back this semester and I almost didn't and it wasn't the thought that my parents would be really disappointed that keeps me here. Its that my closest friend M told me I was being a nina and need to stop running from things and people once they get to close and figure out the feelings I am having and why and the only way to do that would be by staying. He challenged me and he knows how to get me to do something. In 19 years of friendship I have never been able to step down from a challenge from him and this is no different. But we'll see where my junior year leads me.
My bed is so fucking hard here and there is noting more i wanna do than crawl into my bed at home and lay next to M. I usually hate sleeping with other people but there are some people and some nights that I would do anything to have someone sleeping beside me. Especially him, its just his smell and putting my ear to his chest and listening to heart beat that remind me off all the nights we did it as children and I aways feel instantly at home and safe with him and thats what I need now.
I called M after I got off the phone with the Haitian sensation and he gave me the best advice as usually because he knows me to well. I can bullshit a lot of people but never him. Besides he's one of the only people i feel able to be completely honest with because he understand why I am the way I am, It doesn't mean he likes it because he tells me when he doesn't but he accepts me regardless. That is just one of the many reasons why love him
Writing this has made me feel better and for the first time in awhile i feel calm. i need to stop being such a bitch but I can't help its naturally apart of me which i can usually control buts its also a defense mechanism which I have little control over.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will be thankful for it and try to be better.
the song i am listening to while writing this is very be fitting. So,i though i share the lyrics playing in my head. My own personal lullaby.
Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different? (Different...)
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
’Cause this is just a game
It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me
It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last (happened last)
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game
--- 30 seconds to Mars
Part of me is wondering why I am here. A huge part of me didn't wanna come back this semester and I almost didn't and it wasn't the thought that my parents would be really disappointed that keeps me here. Its that my closest friend M told me I was being a nina and need to stop running from things and people once they get to close and figure out the feelings I am having and why and the only way to do that would be by staying. He challenged me and he knows how to get me to do something. In 19 years of friendship I have never been able to step down from a challenge from him and this is no different. But we'll see where my junior year leads me.
My bed is so fucking hard here and there is noting more i wanna do than crawl into my bed at home and lay next to M. I usually hate sleeping with other people but there are some people and some nights that I would do anything to have someone sleeping beside me. Especially him, its just his smell and putting my ear to his chest and listening to heart beat that remind me off all the nights we did it as children and I aways feel instantly at home and safe with him and thats what I need now.
I called M after I got off the phone with the Haitian sensation and he gave me the best advice as usually because he knows me to well. I can bullshit a lot of people but never him. Besides he's one of the only people i feel able to be completely honest with because he understand why I am the way I am, It doesn't mean he likes it because he tells me when he doesn't but he accepts me regardless. That is just one of the many reasons why love him
Writing this has made me feel better and for the first time in awhile i feel calm. i need to stop being such a bitch but I can't help its naturally apart of me which i can usually control buts its also a defense mechanism which I have little control over.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will be thankful for it and try to be better.
the song i am listening to while writing this is very be fitting. So,i though i share the lyrics playing in my head. My own personal lullaby.
Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different? (Different...)
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
’Cause this is just a game
It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me
It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last (happened last)
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game
--- 30 seconds to Mars
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
mini 3 am rant
Way not to say happy birthday to me
fucking prick
your girlfriend did but not you....ugh
my daddy is right about you
ok... i feel better now and I am over it
bedtime now ;0
fucking prick
your girlfriend did but not you....ugh
my daddy is right about you
ok... i feel better now and I am over it
bedtime now ;0
Thursday, January 24, 2008
20 candles
Today is my 20 birthday and its probably the least anticipated birthday I have ever had. Maybe thats a sign of growing up; where birthdays become less about candles and presents and becomes something more I am not sure how to describe the feelings I am having.
I thought that 19 and 20 were the in between years where you are stuck between the unleveled playing field of childhood and adulthood.(old enough to vote and die in the military but not able to sit and have a drink in a bar) But 19 was a big year for me I have changes so much- good and bad. It almost indescribable the amount of change that have gone through
I am no longer a teenager but still i feel like a child. I think your 20 are about defining yourself. everything before was living by my parents, teacher, and friends definitions of who i ought to be. but now i am begging to have the courage of being true to myself and living as my soul see fits. Even if the majority the people never get to meet her, she is more than you can imagine.
I kind of had a moment today where i started to panic, I am 20 yrs old and what have i done with my life. If i died tomorrow would it all be worth it? The answer is no. I have a lot of thing i want to accomplish a lot of expectations for myself and my plan is to take it one day at a time and truly carpe diem
I thought that 19 and 20 were the in between years where you are stuck between the unleveled playing field of childhood and adulthood.(old enough to vote and die in the military but not able to sit and have a drink in a bar) But 19 was a big year for me I have changes so much- good and bad. It almost indescribable the amount of change that have gone through
I am no longer a teenager but still i feel like a child. I think your 20 are about defining yourself. everything before was living by my parents, teacher, and friends definitions of who i ought to be. but now i am begging to have the courage of being true to myself and living as my soul see fits. Even if the majority the people never get to meet her, she is more than you can imagine.
I kind of had a moment today where i started to panic, I am 20 yrs old and what have i done with my life. If i died tomorrow would it all be worth it? The answer is no. I have a lot of thing i want to accomplish a lot of expectations for myself and my plan is to take it one day at a time and truly carpe diem
Saturday, January 19, 2008
random thoughts
1.
curiosity really did kill the cat. See I should really just learn to mind my own business. i was in my parents room looking at their bookshelf expecing to find a Stephen King book that i could enjoy. But no instead i found 365 sex positions.... and i wasn't the usually cowgirl or 69 positions either. There was various positions that utilizes home furnishing and office furniture that should only be attempted by professionals
2.
I sometimes wonder if everyone family is as fucked up... i mean complicated as mine. I feel like i can barely keep my head above all the bullshit, there is always an issue and there just not little ones either which makes it worst.
3.
Last Monday, I had to funeral and as if that wasn't enough it was also what would have been the 20 birthday of my friend had he not died our senior year. idk i am not over it yet,i don't think you ever get over something like that. I think about him a lot more than I ever admit to anyone and even now as i write this i am feeling a flood of emotions.
4.
what are the fucking chances that the friend that i didn't want to be roommates would end up on mt floor 3 doors down from me. I must have some fucked up karma, this semester is going to be a interesting one.
5.
I have been having some weird and intense dreams lately. Also i keep having dreams about the same three people one of them being MS.Ghetto Wannabe, wtf i dont understand why i keep dreaming about her.
6.
Its almost my 20 birthday and i really don't care actually forgot about it until someone reminded me.
7.
finally boys are stupid.
curiosity really did kill the cat. See I should really just learn to mind my own business. i was in my parents room looking at their bookshelf expecing to find a Stephen King book that i could enjoy. But no instead i found 365 sex positions.... and i wasn't the usually cowgirl or 69 positions either. There was various positions that utilizes home furnishing and office furniture that should only be attempted by professionals
2.
I sometimes wonder if everyone family is as fucked up... i mean complicated as mine. I feel like i can barely keep my head above all the bullshit, there is always an issue and there just not little ones either which makes it worst.
3.
Last Monday, I had to funeral and as if that wasn't enough it was also what would have been the 20 birthday of my friend had he not died our senior year. idk i am not over it yet,i don't think you ever get over something like that. I think about him a lot more than I ever admit to anyone and even now as i write this i am feeling a flood of emotions.
4.
what are the fucking chances that the friend that i didn't want to be roommates would end up on mt floor 3 doors down from me. I must have some fucked up karma, this semester is going to be a interesting one.
5.
I have been having some weird and intense dreams lately. Also i keep having dreams about the same three people one of them being MS.Ghetto Wannabe, wtf i dont understand why i keep dreaming about her.
6.
Its almost my 20 birthday and i really don't care actually forgot about it until someone reminded me.
7.
finally boys are stupid.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
throwback
I found this poem that I wrote for my 11 grade AP English class. I got a 9/10, so thought i share....
The double edge sword of my love and self loathing
Takes strike and lets breath all my happiness, hopes, and dream
As loneliness starts to bleed all over me.
In the glossy reflection of my thick red paint- I see what could, should have been and how this will never end.
In my breath of death - I see a sign as hope
flies for the sky
As I stand and realize
and leave loneliness and death behind
ps. I am so ready to go back to fucking school already. 19 days and counting
The double edge sword of my love and self loathing
Takes strike and lets breath all my happiness, hopes, and dream
As loneliness starts to bleed all over me.
In the glossy reflection of my thick red paint- I see what could, should have been and how this will never end.
In my breath of death - I see a sign as hope
flies for the sky
As I stand and realize
and leave loneliness and death behind
ps. I am so ready to go back to fucking school already. 19 days and counting
Sunday, January 6, 2008
There are somethings worst than death pt1
Last night had to be one of the longest nights of my life and not for good reasons. It started off as a good day. i convinced 'my boo' to take to the mall, and the thing i find with most boys is they are good for about two hours and then it feel like i have a 6'2 180 pound baby being dragged around the mall with me. But he was really good and sweet and let me get my shop on so I was satisfied.
But It all started on the car ride home when my stomach took a turn for the worst. By the time we got to to my house i could barely stand and I went to my room and dropped my bags and only has enough energy to take my jeans and boots off. and i laid there in the dark curled up in a tighter fetal position than i had ever been in even in the womb,
I woke up out of a dead sleep with a pain in my stomach that i can only imagine is comparable to labor pains. After I awoke the next thing i knew there was projectile vomit going everywhere, my wall, my floor, everywhere except the trash can. After the shock and vomit wore off, I felt round two coming on and stumbled to my bathroom where my aim was much better and I threw up everything i had eaten in the last three days. As there was still visible pieces of the broccoli I ate earlier and the grits and eggs I had for breakfast 2 days ago. Yup, the last time I threw up like that it was 9 shots later.
I crawled back to my bed and manage to step in my own vomit along the way. I laid in fetal position and prayed to god, buddha, allah or whoever might have been listening to please make the pain that stop which at this point felt like i had 20 overweight men performing the riverdance on my abdominal wall.
But It all started on the car ride home when my stomach took a turn for the worst. By the time we got to to my house i could barely stand and I went to my room and dropped my bags and only has enough energy to take my jeans and boots off. and i laid there in the dark curled up in a tighter fetal position than i had ever been in even in the womb,
I woke up out of a dead sleep with a pain in my stomach that i can only imagine is comparable to labor pains. After I awoke the next thing i knew there was projectile vomit going everywhere, my wall, my floor, everywhere except the trash can. After the shock and vomit wore off, I felt round two coming on and stumbled to my bathroom where my aim was much better and I threw up everything i had eaten in the last three days. As there was still visible pieces of the broccoli I ate earlier and the grits and eggs I had for breakfast 2 days ago. Yup, the last time I threw up like that it was 9 shots later.
I crawled back to my bed and manage to step in my own vomit along the way. I laid in fetal position and prayed to god, buddha, allah or whoever might have been listening to please make the pain that stop which at this point felt like i had 20 overweight men performing the riverdance on my abdominal wall.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
resolutions
Resolutions are an interesting thing, we make them every year and most of the end up being broken before January over. But my main resolution has been the same one for three years running , its not that its easily broken its just something that I can… have to accomplish each year.
Its to be a better person this year than I was last year. Was I better person in 2007 than I was in 2006? Honestly, I don’t know, I have changed a lot but just because I’ve changed doesn’t mean I am a better person. I have to think more about it and I am afraid I won’t like the answer
My other resolutions and I think this is this will be the hardest for me to keep is, no more daddy big dick, the sex is good but the rest of you is rotten to the core and does nothing good for me.
To live up to my own expectation and no one else because I have been disappoint myself a lot lately.
I have a thing with talking on the telephone and I need to get over that.
I want something more spiritually
less bullshit more laughs
do more of what makes me happy
Its to be a better person this year than I was last year. Was I better person in 2007 than I was in 2006? Honestly, I don’t know, I have changed a lot but just because I’ve changed doesn’t mean I am a better person. I have to think more about it and I am afraid I won’t like the answer
My other resolutions and I think this is this will be the hardest for me to keep is, no more daddy big dick, the sex is good but the rest of you is rotten to the core and does nothing good for me.
To live up to my own expectation and no one else because I have been disappoint myself a lot lately.
I have a thing with talking on the telephone and I need to get over that.
I want something more spiritually
less bullshit more laughs
do more of what makes me happy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)