I can't sleep but what else is new. Even though i am physically tired something about the stillness of night cause my mind to endless wonder and think about all the shit in my life and since there is a lot I am still awake thinking.
Part of me is wondering why I am here. A huge part of me didn't wanna come back this semester and I almost didn't and it wasn't the thought that my parents would be really disappointed that keeps me here. Its that my closest friend M told me I was being a nina and need to stop running from things and people once they get to close and figure out the feelings I am having and why and the only way to do that would be by staying. He challenged me and he knows how to get me to do something. In 19 years of friendship I have never been able to step down from a challenge from him and this is no different. But we'll see where my junior year leads me.
My bed is so fucking hard here and there is noting more i wanna do than crawl into my bed at home and lay next to M. I usually hate sleeping with other people but there are some people and some nights that I would do anything to have someone sleeping beside me. Especially him, its just his smell and putting my ear to his chest and listening to heart beat that remind me off all the nights we did it as children and I aways feel instantly at home and safe with him and thats what I need now.
I called M after I got off the phone with the Haitian sensation and he gave me the best advice as usually because he knows me to well. I can bullshit a lot of people but never him. Besides he's one of the only people i feel able to be completely honest with because he understand why I am the way I am, It doesn't mean he likes it because he tells me when he doesn't but he accepts me regardless. That is just one of the many reasons why love him
Writing this has made me feel better and for the first time in awhile i feel calm. i need to stop being such a bitch but I can't help its naturally apart of me which i can usually control buts its also a defense mechanism which I have little control over.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will be thankful for it and try to be better.
the song i am listening to while writing this is very be fitting. So,i though i share the lyrics playing in my head. My own personal lullaby.
Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different? (Different...)
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
’Cause this is just a game
It's a beautiful lie
It's a perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful lie makes me
It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last (happened last)
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
'Cause this is just a game
--- 30 seconds to Mars
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