quick to hurt, quick to apologize

it's funny how when you finally get over someone,
you start seeing them in a whole new perspective.
it's like you're looking at them through the eyes of your best friend,
and you realize he's nothing special. he's just another ordinary boy.




my life seems to be filled with little boys and all there bullshit and i am done with it. I don't understand why you would say something to intentionally piss me off but its alight i am learning to let it roll of my back like water. If that wasn't enough Portugal calls me at 4 in the morning and the first thing out of his mouth was that i am a bitch,wow this must be god idea of a joke for the Haitian sensation and Portugal to both piss me off within a hour of each other. Portugal proceeded to tell that I am leading him on blah blah, that he doesn't understand why i won't be with him. Honestly my brain wasn't fully comprehending what he was saying and i was half convinced that i was dreaming this bullshit. That was until he like HS said something about daddy big dick and i can't describe the anger and frustration i felt rise up inside me. But it alright because sometime it takes the darkest of moments to bring things in the most clarity. My silence must of spoke volumes because he said 'sorry'. quick to hurt, quick to apology i replied and hung up the phone after that and stayed up thinking,ugh, my daddy was right along.

10 things i don't do

1. Small cock
2. boys with girlfriends
3. cold potato salad
4.sports(unless you consider sex one)
5. kids(spawns of Satan)
6.mornings
7. water deeper than i can stand in
8. hugs
9.pee outside
10.smoke

control issues

I am,
indeed,
a king,
because I know how
to rule myself.


Slowly i am learning to except that there are somethings out of my control. That I can not control the people and events that happen around me only my reaction to these things are within my ultimate control. The way I am perceived by others is out of my control and frankly not my problem because i am the only one responsible for the reflection in the mirror.

I think in general I have a lot of self control , maybe to much? I know that emotional keep myself under lock and key. Which I think can be both a good and bad thing because it protect you because to let your emotions rule over you could be disastrous but at the same time if you don't allow anyone to get inside you will end up alone. I must find a balance that leaves me safe and in control of myself but also leaves me open so that someone get to know the real la tortura.

reason number 1 why i should delete myspace

i received the following message last night:

Subject:

heyyyyy sexy WasssUP

Body:
havn't seen a HOT BLACK BABE since i was in Wilmington NC soooo how are you this Evninnnnnnnnnnnn
Scotty

are u fucking kidding me?

grow up just alittle bit

Today I learned a little something about myself, I guess life is funny like that sometimes you don't always need a huge event positive or negative to bring about change or moreover, the realization for the need for change. Sometime all it take is a couple of words that can cause the need for change.
I tend to take some of the most important people in my life for granted,I ave always been that and its not a justification is just a simple answer for a complex question for why i am the way i am. Anyways, whats that saying? Distance make the heart grow founder, I know that since going to college I've learned to appreciate my family so much, good and bad it comes with the territory and I would change it if i could.
I need to put more effort into the relationships that matter to me, its just that i get scared that when I let people in that close they always end up leaving me. yeah i know i need to grow up.

Fuck......

i am in one of those fuck it all moods, so FUCK....
you for saying our relationship doesn't work because of what i did/do. Last time i checked it takes two people two make a realtionship work or fuck it up. I admit i may not have always been the best girlfriend but i have always been honest with you- even when it hurts. That more than i can say for you, hypocritical prick

all the little boys just because i flirt with you or give you my phone number doesn't mean my vagina becomes your 24 hours drive through. that means do not call me any time after 12 am because i don't what kind girls you are used to but i am in a whole other league in which little boys need not apply.

the three people who can piss me off on aim.

math 121

nail polish that chips the same day you paint it even when you do a top coat

girls in their bullshit

cold weather, I was not made for any weather under 50 degrees

snow. I hate snow

that i don't get showtime. I am i supposed to live without the L word

Forgive me father for I have sinned

i went to church today like any good Catholic girl should on Ash Wednesday and i was half convinced that the holy water was going to burn me when i touched it to bless myself. I keep going back on forth on religion, the whole idea and general practice of any organized religion bothers for several reason. The idea of god is also up in the air for me also. i think people believe and use the name of god and their religion to justify whatever purpose suits their need both good and bad. At the same time i think that faith can be an important thing in the lives of some people but when people say they will leave it 'up to god' it bothers me when people leave there lives to this omniscient god that may or may not exist. I feel that we are wholly responsible for the way our lives turn out and god as nothing to do with it.
But its is the season of lent and have been catholic way to long not to take notice, so for lent i am giving up a thing or two like sex and I am trying to be less bitchy and find some spiritual meaning
I am out Aeschylus is calling my name.

Superbowl

The Patriots just lost the superbowl plus drunk white people equal disaster. Including me almost getting it hit with broken glass because I was outside because some asshole pulled the fire alarm.

btw I need a remedy for this hickey on my neck because this not cute at all.

Honest is the best policy

I basically almost broke one of my new years resolutions, the other day and the justification I have for it is to blame it on the cranberry vodka. You know the saying when i know better I can do better. Well i do know better but still i make wrong decisions and I've been think that says a lot about the kind of person I am. More than that broke my promise to someone that is really important to me and now i need to be honest not only with myself but him. I am off to make a phone call.

cadela

i am trying to mentally prepare myself b/c when I talked to Portugal not only am I about to be cussed out in English.I can already hear the cadela in my head.