Now you still speak of day old hate
Though your whole world has gone up into flames
And isn’t it great to find that you’re really worth nothing
--- City and Colour
With everything that has been going on lately I have been spending a lot of time at M house. I’ve known M since the cradle and he is in my earliest childhood memories. He has been more than my friend , he is my family, my soul mate in every meaning of the word.
So the other night I crawled into his bed as he was sitting up doing one of those stupid math puzzles, and i started talking to him about the Haitian Sensation
“He said he didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I don’t talk him or whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean.”
“He must not know you very well.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“ You’ve always been like that. Every since you could speak you have chosen not to. And you won’t until the moment you are ready and not a second before that. That thing with you that you might not every say certain things to another person…. And that is your right, to for better or for worse it who you are, who you’ve been.”
“Why do you give a fuck anyway?”
I think that my show of emotions caught him off guard because I have been told more than once that if they didn’t know better they swore I had ice water running through my veins
“Because… I love him and I would never say anything like that… even if I felt like that.
He has this way of making me feel like I am not good enough. Like I am not a good person and I know I am and I don’t understand why I care so fucking much.”
“E… listen you know the kind of person you are. Anyone who make you feel less than that doesn’t get the right to be in your life and when they choose to walk out they don’t get the choose to walk back in.”
Its like the situation between Ms. Ghetto Wannabe and I, I can’t stand the thought of someone not liking me, I guess it my inner fiver year old. But whether or nor someone wants to be my friend becomes of little consequence to me. I have always viewed friends as a luxury rather than a necessity, and I don ‘t know why that is I have always just been that way. There were years in my childhood were I had a lot of friends and chose to surround myself with people. And then there are other time in my child were I was a lone wolf of sorts and chose not only not to hang around other people but to not talk to anyone unless absolutely necessary.
I just have this deep intrinsic mistrust of people. There could be one or a thousands reasons why I am like this, I honest don’t know why, all I know is that this is who I am as a person. I feel like this toward everyone- friends, family, strangers.
People disappoint me. Relationships disappoint me. Its not like I have these unrealistic expectations of what I expect people to be or my relationships are supposed to be like. I think I am actually a good judge of character and generally accepting of who people are, at least I try to be.
My feelings are mixed to say the least. I am not angry or even sad I am just a little bit hurt. That the overwhelming emotion I have. Can’t say that I am surprised, experience has been the best teacher. That when you need someone the most or in your darkest hour the only person you can trust- depend on is yourself.
Situations like these force you to do a lot of reflecting on the life that you are living. I’ve been thinking a lot about the kind of person I am and the people that are/were in my life. And you know what? I am glad for it .
Things change. People change.
The person you fell in love with isn’t always the person you wake up to in the morning.
M said it best the next morning : “ the people in your past don’t always earn the right to be in your future.”
Even better said now that I think of it is HS himself. He’s right, there is a certain type of freedom in knowing who your true friends are.
