Should I stay or should I go

I am thinking about deleting this blog. I almost did it yesterday but the thought of my thoughts being erased permanently stopped me. I have keep every journal, poem, short story i have written since I can remember. Any form of self expression I have keep it because it old memories of were I've been as a writer and they are important to me. And that what this blog was supposed to have been another form of self expression where i could be honest and write to my hearts content but not anymore. I am not honest, I am a liar and a damn good one but lies grow tiresome and heavy on the soul. So much has happened but i haven't written about, so what is the point of this anymore? So i am going to make this private for my eyes only as i can always have the memories for myself because i don't want to share anymore. And i going to start another one somewhere in the infinite possibilities of the internet.

to delete or not to delete that is the question

TMI Tuesday 149 When you wish upon a star

You find a fairy. With a wave of their wand they can change anything for you.




What is the one thing you would change about your body?
I need a booty
What is the one personality trait you would change?
I care far to much what people think
What is the one thing about your job you would change?
Down with the bitch known as B
What is the one thing about your home you would change?
my dad would fix the dishwasher
What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change?
jealousy is never cute
Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why?
I have already done it because you can't allow someone to keep hurting you
Who is the one person you would poof back in and why?
I can't just have one so i choose none.

My feelings exactly

Struggle for the Present

The hardest thing that i have ever attempted is to live in the present. All my emotions - all the anger and sadness that i have been feeling are wrapped up with people and events from the past. But those emotion consume my present. They are almost intoxicating and provide a constant sense of misery. I can't seem to find away to move on. I am too angry. How did I allow myself to waste so much time and effort with someone who obviously at the end of the day doesn't love and care about me the same way i do them and why did i waste my time with someone who has only caused chaos in my life from day one????

I think that these questions have a really simple answer that is hard to accept. Because i am human and i am made mistakes..... maybe? But thats not important. I think that i need to start looking at it for what it really is. A moment in the series if moments that make of your life, in my twenty years of life these are just more moments that strung together are a part of my life. Not my life and not who i am because i am so much them a series of moments, right?

So here come the hard part. Take a deep breath, acknowledge how you felt and how you feel. grieve and let it go. letting go of the past is kind of like a death, isn't it?

The mourning stops tonight. The funeral has been held and the dead are buried and cold. That what the tombstone is there for, to do remind you but not bind you to what is no longer present.

THI Tuesday # 148

1. Are you truly politically correct? Be honest.
No, only if we're honest with each other can there be progress.
2. Will you ever streak in public during rush hour?For the right amount of money, why not.
3. Would you ever do something sexual in public (more than 20 people around)? yes, been there done that
4. Do you ever not have good table manners?
If I am by myself than i do as i please.
5. Do you ever fantasize about a public sexual act? Describe. No, its not one of my sexual fantasizes even though i have done it before.

buddha says

"Put your ear down next to your soul and listen hard."

I am listening
Can you hear me now?

Close your eyes
and count to three
your life will be
normal when you hit three

Musical Monday Musing

My friend sent me this song because he said it reminded him of me so I thought i share because it made me smile and it a nice song

Wipe that smile off your fucking face

Working at that big box store in the pit of hell is slowly eating away at my soul.