fill in the blank

the difference between love and hate is

i still can't sleep throuh the nite and i don't think that is going to change anytime either. the last 72 hours have been undescrible and so much has chaned but i still feel the same and not in a good way either.

i just want to wake up and be ok

Asking for help has to be one of the most humbling experiences.
i am throughly humbled

Your nothing like the person you pretend to be, so its time to take of the mask.

The future scares me. Everyday i go to bed dreading the coming morning. Thats not how its supposed to be and i am parallelized by fear to change it. That fear as lead me to this moment now. I am nothing like the person i want to be and the worst part is that it may be to late to change it

168 hours

Things are so fucked up
I don't know what to do
I just want to curl up and die

the best advice

My ex boyfriend who I will call Portugal, is one of my closest friends sent me this book and it has the best advice and has become my new mantra when it comes to men.

"You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time."
– He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Wasting my time

You just made my decision this much easier
I don't hate you
but
I am not in love with you anymore
and
I don't want you in my life anymore.ever.
I wasted so much time on you
how could i be so stupid.

The illiusin of progress

There has been a lot of talk about change lately and i am calling bullshit on it. What threw me over the edge today was facebook. Its seems like everyone is talking about some kind of change they have made or want to acknowledge but to me nothing has really changed, in actuality it is all painfully the same.

i feel that any real substantial change is not the something one proclaims on your facebook status. It doesn't need to be announced or even acknowledged by another person.

Do i believe people can change? Sure why not but its probably one of the hardest things one can attempt because it requires the self acknowledgment in the responsibility of who you are. What i mean is that really change comes from the realization that it is not the people, situation, or events that made you who you are or act a certain way its- you. It always has been you, how you acted or perceived those people,situations, events, emotions, ect shaped you to be the person you are. No one else. Sure shit happens but shit has and will always happen living life is full of surprises like that.

Its giving up your victim status that the things that happen to you- the shitty things people do, the way the world can seem impossible fucked up when everything goes wrong all at once stop being your identity.

Hard shit to do at any age, but at 20 near impossible.

because people are still walking around with the burdens of the past of what she did to me, what he didn't say and the elephants in the room continue to grow. Nothing has really changes you just but a new face on the same shit but it still smells the same to me.

Or I could be wrong like I said real change doesn't need to be acknowledges by another human but with change comes actions and it starting to feel like groundhog day all over again.

So what about myself, have I changed? Now thats the million dollar question.

If I am being honest the last few weeks overall i have been feeling a lot sadder and lonelier than I can remember and in general I feel so unhappy.
but its ok because these are all things i feel not who i am. and i am learning to but space between the people, events, and emotions I have been feeling lately and seeing the bigger picture. At least I am trying to. Its like i am giving myself permission to feel the things I do, really for the first time I am letting myself acknowledge all these emotion and the causes but most importantly let them go because what you felt is not nearly important as how you feel.

Hot pocket

Did I really just eat a hotpocket at almost 5 in the morning.
Yes, the fuck i did
Its the stress
Its the reason I am awake right now even though i have class at 8 in the fucking morning.
Its causing me to also have pimples the size on mount Rushmore on my face.
And I know the following days are going to be shitty as well, god help me.

Reminder

This weekend I was reminded just how important it is to tell the people in my life that you love how important they are and how much they mean to you. And its more than just words because talk is cheap. Its showing those who matter just how much them being in your life has affected you

food for thought

You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore.
---- battlestar galactica

You left a stain on every one of my good days

The easy part is telling yourself your over it.
The harder part is convincing your heart of that same truth.
He used to make my heart flutter ( excuse the cheesiness)
now it beats to the steady pace of knowing better.
So is that what moving on feels like?
I think the real test of whether or not your over someone is that if you see them do you swell up with with positive emotion that overrules the sanity of the negativity or is it the other way around?

But i feel something else. I am not sure what that is. Acceptance, maybe?
What i mean is that if you really love someone you never stop.
I think you that you just stop letting it get to you.

loving someone is never enough of a reason to keep someone in you life
especially if they'll just end up break your heart again.

thoughts before bed

when we wake up in the morning, we have two simple
choices: go back to sleep and dream, or wake up and
chase those dreams.

TMI Tuesday # 150 (Better late then never)

1. When was the last time someone hit on you? What went down?
On Sunday I went to dinner with what could be consider my boyfriend, i guess( more on that later) and this man walk by and say that he thinks that i am beautiful and he was a luck man. It was actually real nice and came of genuine so we smiled and said thank you
2. If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)?
I have always had a thing for Hayden Christensen
3. Have you ever had done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment?
No
4. Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out?
Yes, at least I try to apologize. . I think the first reaction is to be defensive but i am working on that.
5. Top or bottom?
Its like choosing between chocolate or vanilla ice cream. So you get the swirl and get the best of both worlds.
Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience?
12 0r 13

you remind me of a girl that i once knew.....

A new school year has started and i have a lot of thoughts about that but the main one on my mind is my roommate. I mean she is black and from the same place I am and although at first she was a little shy she is really nice. But there is one thing that i find interesting to say the least. She reminds me of Ms. ghetto wannabe, I had the surrealist moment when it finally hit me about her. I don't mean it in a bad way either its just an observation.

she also has a girlfriend which i find to be the most interesting part, more on that later

Right now

I was going to write something profound about the last 72 hours in which i experienced and learned a few things about myself but instead on this lovely Monday i find myself happy and content with the way things are at this moment and that is a rare thing so i am going with it. i am happy to be at school, happy with my friends and life seems to be in some unreal balance in which i am content to live in in this very moment and appreciate it for what it is/was. So tomorrow is another day and i welcome it.