Half Nekkid Thursday

green with envy

TMI Tuesday 158 (Firsts)

1. Who and when was your first crush?
Thomas in 7 grade
2. Who and when was your first date?
same as above
3. Who and when was your first kiss?
kiyah in  the 6 grade
4. Who and when was your first partner while "fooling around" in car?
Portugal freshman year of hs
5. Who and when was your first partner while "fooling around" in a house?
same as above
6. Who and when was your first love?
good question  i am not sure

Here I am expecting just a litlle bit to much

I am slightly pissed at the moment and although a call to Portugal stopped me going Bomqueshia because lately there has been so much bullshit that ghetto ignorant part of my personality has been wanting to come out.

I have had enough words and no action
enough excuse that I could fill a book with your bullshit
I refuse to allow people in my life who do nothing with there meaningless words
I can't and I won't have my life suffocated with these people
actually let me stop the bullshit it not people so much as one person that i am done.
Now this has been said soooo many times before but i feel like a breaking point has been reached.
Either changes have to be made or I am walking away and walking away seem to be the road of least resistance and i am taking it.
Why spend some much time and energy on someone who has only shown their extraordinary ability to break your heart and disappoint you?
I am so over this bullshit and ready to put my love , energy and most importantly friendship into someone who can give me more than their fucking useless, meaningless emotionless fucking words.
Alright i am done ranting back to studying physics


There is a story behind this song but when Portugal sent me this video after my melt down I had to smile because it reminds me that there are people in my life who give me so much more than words, I mean this one action of sending me this video made me realize why i still have him in my life

Musical Monday Musings

My skin is like a map
of where my heart has been
And I can´t hide the marks
but it´s not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
drop my defenses down by my clothes
I´m learning to fall
with no safety net to cushion the blow

when i wrote about letting go i decided to throw myself into head first. I mean how can you move on from someone if you don't give anyone else a chance and honestly, it has been the best thing. I think i had forgotten what it was like to have someone like you and the way it feels to be wanted. Its scary and exciting at the same time and I love it

I would like to thank officer Ramirez for not arresting my ass last night because like he said i don't look like I am prison material because i am not.

I just had the best sex ever

You're not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
--- I can't hate you anymore


People change i have to keep reminding myself of that. Yes, I understand that but it doesn't mean i have to accept that... at least until now. When someone you love starts to mean less and less to you everyday, how do you change that or do you accept it?

Here is my resolution
I am letting go

Deep breath in

Half Nekkid Thursday( i am early)

 

these are my favorite shorts to hang around my house/dorm in. One

summer my dad asked me to mow the front lawn so i did

it in these shorts. I haven't been asked to mow it since.

TMI Tuesday 157

1. Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed after a sexual experience?
yes
2. Did you ever own a fake ID?
no, i am almost 21 so i don't see the point
3. How often do you tell white lies? Is it with or without thinking?
 I try not to but when i do i think its mostly without thinking
4. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you receive constructive criticism?
Depends on who it comes from but in general i think its 7
5. Have you ever shaved your pubic hair?
yes
Bonus: What percentage of women do you think are capable of handling being in a "friends with benefits" relationship? How about men?

I think more women than one would think are capable and less man than everyone assumes

I am having one of those blah days. I've spent the day in my bed, sleeping and a and a lot of thinking. I still have no answers just more questions but i do know one thing I am not happy. Now that is the easy part its fixing it that hard. Why does happiness seem to be such an elusive thing always within reach but just out of touch. Just writing about this is making me even more depressed ugh.....

Emotions

emotions are a tricky thing. they have a way of creeping up on you and sucker punching you in the face right when you least expect it. So I have a little jealousy mixed with an ounce of caring and a whole lot of WTF because i am not like that and i don't understand why i am feeling the way i do. Alright back to finishing my midterm

nightmare

I am so restless right now.
I should be sleeping but i can't
or rather i am afraid to. I've
been having nightmares lately.
I usually don't remember my dreams
but when i do they are very vivid and
hard to forget and this something i rather not
remember, but there it is in every thought.
I woke up crying from it the other night
thank god i don't have a roommate to explain
that one to when i barely understand it myself.
I am so tired. I am trying to move on
but how can you do that
when visions of the past haunt you in your
sleep?

Half Nekkid Thursday

Somewhere far along this road
He lost his soul,
To a woman so heartless

Kanye West

Its not the first time someone has called me heartless

and it won't be the last.

Musical Monday Musings ( Tuesday Edition)

Boy don't try to front
I know just what you are
womanizer


When i first heard this song i immediately thought of two people Portugal and Daddy Big Dick more the latter because Portugal claims to be reformed from his I am not a whore I am European stage. I require few things from a fuck buddy mainly to make me cum and honesty. Now he has the first part down like a science but he seems to have a genetic disposition to lying. I really don't understand why either lying is something you do to your girlfriend not your fuck buddy. In theory this is supposed the most bullshit free type of relationship but lying complicates things in all types of relationships. I have been dealing with boys like this since I was 14 and i have only gotten better at handling them with age. the real secret that seems to escape most men is a little bit of honest gets you a lot of pussy. Trust me women are more simple than you think a least this women is.

Half Nekkid Thursday ( Saturday Edition)

I am spending the long weekend at Portugal's house because i am sick and its the one time I drop the my independent women anthem and want to be taken care of. Because nothing make me  feel better than some cold medicinal and being catered to. Yes, i am wearing full length footsie pj because they are the softest and warmest thing know to man. And duckies are oh so sexy in my opinion.

But your just a boy....

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man

Its time to move on.
Simply I am done with
the games boys play
and I want a man
simple enough, right?

So maybe life does work in mysterious ways
because what are the chances that a boy you meet almost
5 years ago would reappear in your life and still give you
butterflies like the first time you saw him.

Half Nekkid Thursday

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease