I know the words that come out of your mouth are bullshit
but i want so much to believe that sweet nothings become sweet somethings
but fools do believe
so give me something to believe in

Devine Karma

karma is a cosmic bitch
I found out a little secret
shall i share?

The Haitian Sensation and Minnie Mouse aka my best friend had SEX. Yes, the number one and two people in my life fucked each other and neglected to let me into this little tidbit of knowledge until now almost 3 years later. I mean with friends like this who need enemies, I kidding its not that serious. Well, mostly I am. Its not even the fact that the had sex so much that bothers me as them not being honest with it. But who am i to talk about being honest about who you fucked because this as to be some fucked karma for the Ms.Ghetto Wannabe situation. But this isn't the first time i had two people close to be me bet the last ones i expect to be humping but at least they we're honest about it from the start. But such is life ... le sigh

RIP to all the turkeys

I am so thankful for so very much
and it takes days like this to
remind me of what is really
important and never take for
granted everything and everyone
that i hold so dear to me
yes, the bitch does have
a heart and everyone in it
has earned their place.

I think i am dying
Have you ever had to shit and vomit at the same time?
and now i have to look forward to a car ride to Boston
tomorrow to meet Atl family
yeah i am sure i am going to make a great first impression ugh i am going to go puke now

I think i have a serious sex problem

Road Test

trying not to crash the car while getting some road head

Musical Monday Musings( I am yours)

Since i am in an incredible mood I thought i spread the feeling around a little bit with a lovely song about love because thats what i feel.

love

i am starting to wonder if you ever really can get over someone. I mean if you ever really loved someone how can you just stop. how do you turn the feelings off if you really at one point felt like that. But i think that maybe those feelings and emotions turn into something else. i think that if you love someone you want them to be happy and with that come the recognition that you might not be the person who can be that for them and thats ok. right?

Out from under

This isn't the song i had original thought of for the second one i was talking about on musical Monday musing but when i heard it i thought it was perfect. It describes exactly what i am feeling because there is still a small part that wants to things to be different but i know better.



And part of me still believes
When you say you’re gonna stick around
And part of me still believes
We can find a way to work it out
But I know that we tried everything we could try
So let's just say goodbye
Forever

liars turn me on

Musical Monday Musings

I've been trying to find a song to go with my you won the battle but lost the war post. There are two that i think are very fitting here is the first one

What I want from us is empty our minds
We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times
We go blind when we've needed to see
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

Something new

I have been making a lot of changes with the people that i allow to be in my life and Friday night just solidified for me that there will be more people who i will not be around anymore. I feel that the internal changes i have been making need to be reflected in my external reality. As painfully as ending some relationships have been like the one with HS , i feel it has been the best thing and i hold no regrets. So i have been putting myself out there meeting new people. Doing something i never do by giving people the chance to get to know me and be in my life and it has been amazing. Especially boys and i have been having a lot of fun being single and for the first time feeling really unattached to anyone. I have some meet some interesting characters but there is one that is kind of ruining my plan.

So what can i say about him. I call him Atl because that where he is from although he's lived more places than i could imagine at his age. He is 26 which i find to be very sexy. I like that our life experiences have been so vastly different but still we have a lot of common ground. I like that his edges are rough but he is still incredibly sweet like when he told me one of his favorite movies was the notebook. He makes me feel so sexy. i love how he says he loves my body, the way his lips feel on my skin. I like waking up to him in the morning, the way that his body is wrapped around my body makes it hard for me to sleep when he's not there.

I think i am falling for him

i am so over this bullshit

you won the battle but lost the war

or maybe i won the war.
let's see if i can get a million thoughts into coherent sentences. So where do i begin..........

I am not sure what is harder to admit the truth to yourself or to some one else.I tried to explain my truth to HS and what i told him was the simple answers. Here are the more complex ones.

I think that the death our relationship can be split evenly between us, I would even say that a greater part rest on my shoulders because i don't care anymore and i haven't for a while nor am i willing to fight for it either.
I am not sure of the exact moment this happened and i don't think there is one. I think most relationships die little deaths before the final ending.
So much has changed. I have changed but somehow things with you remain the same and as much as i loved you i can't live like that anymore.So,I stopped letting it bother me because i accepted reality as it, not as i wish or more over imagined it to be. And it has been the most freeing feeling.When you can see someone clearly with out that haze of who you wish to see life becomes a little bit simpler.

Its important to know when to let go you can't stay in some perversion of the past. I mean you can, but i refuse to live my life like that anymore.I truly do believe that the people who are meant to be in your life will be there, come hell or high water. That what a friend is.I don't have many friends. Never have. Acquaintances, yes. you know the people who you say hi to, hang out with but still don't know anything that lies beneath your surface. Yup, i have a hell of a lot of those but friends those a rare gems indeed and i treasure them. You were my friend at one time but not anymore and you haven't been for awhile.If i have learned anything this year it is that i know what i want, what i deserve, what i am willing to fight for, and what i willing to let go of.

am I happy? no i wouldn't go that far but i am content. and for the first time in awhile happiness seems like an obtainable goal. Everyday i try to make active and conscious choices in my life To reaffirm to myself that way i want to live my life and that has echoed throughout ever aspect in my life. i truly do believe you get back what you put out into the universe. But first you have to but some stuff down, let it go or else it weighs you down so heavily you'll never reach anything new.

like i wrote in my and they lived happily ever after a part, post it comes down to a matter of self worth. It doesn't mean that you don't love the person or that there not important, its just that i love myself more and if someone can't honor and respect things that you find to be fundamental to who you are then it time to move on. I once wrote that I could fill a book with your bullshit so this the last page. This is how the story end.

truer words have never been spoken

"I mean, maybe not all friendships have to be saved. You know, maybe we're just meant to spend a certain part of our lives with certain people and then move on. Isn't that what this year is supposed to be about? Moving on?” - dawsons creek

"I'm growing up again...I'm learning to accept that all good things must come to an end. I'm growing up again...I'm trying to understand what it's like to let go of a friend." - the ataris, "in spite of the world"

That's the risk you have to take if you change: that people you've been friends with won't like the new you...but other people who do will come along." - Lisa Alther

just some food for thought that will be explained later in another post

Half Nekkid Thursday

this is my first pic of me not taken by me

Atl took this earlier this morning when
we woke up because he was
hungry and wanted some
strawberries.

sigh.............

Today is one of those days, gut -wrenching lay in bed because the day is fucked up days. I hate the world, why is the sun even shinning days. Lately I have been drowning in a sea a thoughts. I keep trying to remind myself of whats important. What I know to be true. but still i can't help but be suffocated by endless what ifs and trying to realization the past, the unchangeable. Its a kind of mental suicide and I fear i may be the next victim.

Earlier today I took out some of my frustration out on Portugal and it was totally uncalled for and it was one of the moments that shine so clear and I realized that I say hurtful things because thats i feel inside. I apologized and he sent me an email with a link to this video and lyrics. He wrote

your better than that. Today are the kind days that reminds you to appreciate the better days. Remember that its already tomorrow somewhere in the world and if we're lucky we get our chance at tomorrow but do what you can with today because that all we have.

video:


Can you feel it crush you? does it seem to bring the worst in you out?
There's no running away from these things that hold you down.
Do they complicate you because they make you feel like this?
Of all the colors that you've shined, this is surely not your best.
But you should know these colors that you're shining are,

Happy Veterans Day

To my papa, my ,grandpapa who served in 2 wars, my uncle who spent 25 yrs in the military, to my cousin and friend who are both in Iraq and to all of the past and present women and men who serve and served our country.

TMI Tuesday 160

1. Ever been skinny dipping?
no not that i can remember
2. How often do you kiss or make out without it simply being a foreplay activity?
Depends on the person and my mood but in general i am not a fan of kissing or making out
3. On a scale of 1-10, how content are you with your life? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) Do you think 'content' and 'happy' the same thing? I would say an 8 because I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin again. No i don't think content and happy are the same thing . I would rather be happy than content any day.
4. What do you do to relieve stress?
having sex would be number one but more often than not i go for a run or spend the day myself to get myself re focused..
5. What was the special trait in your first lover that made you decide that they were "the one?"
no one made me smile like he did and he made me feel beautiful rather than sexy.
Bonus: How old were you when you first had sex? (positive experiences here...)
Old enough to know he was the one i wanted.

Musical Monday Musings ( Miss Independent Edition)

There ain't nothing that's more sexy
Than a girl that want but don't need me
Young independent, yea she work hard
But you can tell from the way that she walk
She don't slow down cause she ain't got time
To be complaining, shawty gon shine
She don't expect nothing from no guy
She plays aggressive, but she still shy
But you never know her softer side 

By lookin in her eyes 

 

If i had to have a personal theme song that would come on every time I entered a room this would be it. i have some interesting stories to telling about my Saturday night including getting  in a fight with the boy i was with, having sex until 7 am,  going to some random dorm party where Ms. ghetto wannabe was and a couple of other mini adventures i had but that  for another day.

random

i really do hate being put out of my comfort zone
but if anything is going to change this is the first
of many steps. I always anticipate things to be worst
than in reality they have ever turned out to be.
pss. I have a secret. don't tell anyone. promise?

I think i found my 1 percent a man who not only do i love to fuck but am in love with. Shocking isn't it. i think i found someone I would willing be monogamous with with no regrets at all. more on him later. I am out to meet his brother and best friend. Wish me luck!!

Dead again

I had another dream with me dying. This time I was driving a motorcycle and I started losing control and drove of a cliff. then i started falling until i woke up in my bed with thump as my whole body moved like when your falling and you catch yourself that's what it felt like.

once agian i looked up what the elements of my dream meant:

Falling- Loss of honor. Fear of failure. Loss of power and feeling out of control.

Cliff-Conclusion of affairs .Challenge.Aspirations.

Motorcycle -Motion. Travel. Vigor. Virility. Ready to be more masterful in your life.

Driving- Work on energy and power. Looking for the desired destination.

Some dreams never come true hopefully

Last night i had a dream I was murdered, it was do vivid that when i woke i couldn't o back to sleep.There was no words but i felt a lot of emotion a lot of hate, anger and strangely love because the person who shot me felt like a lover. We were fighting and then i ran to the bathroom and couched on the floor with fear and he came in and shot me in the face. like that it was over and i felt myself dying.

I looked up the meeting and this is what i found:

To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.

Half Nekkid Thursday( Halloween Edition)

 

 

You can call me Ms. Officer if your nasty.

and they lived happly ever after apart......

Every story has an ending and i believe for anyone to move on there needs to be closure. Its funny i started this awhile but i didn't finish it for many reasons. This is the closest I have come to explaining in words what I am feeling

I talked to my mommy about it this morning because it bothered me that much and as much as i like to think that she doesn't know me in fact she know me far to well. So I came to several conclusion some are harder to admit then other but all equal in the peace of mind they have/ are bringing me. This is more a letter to myself I had to get it all out

I think the hardest thing is to admit the truth to yourself, So here is my truth

I. Its unbelievable to see how love can set me free.

I loved you. The way Shakespeare wrote compares nothing to the way I felt for you.
My bounty is as deep as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
Love has a way of breathing life into you so thank you for making me alive. The laughter and smiles that i have had have been the greatest reward in loving you.


II. Hate is a strong word but
I don't hate you
Every human being has a redeeming quality about them and you have many. But that's not enough for me. My mom said the question becomes were there was more laughter than tears caused by him and I said laughter but the tears weigh heavier on my heart, harder to forget and I think its like that for a good reason.

III. There's no point in thinking about yesterday.It's too late not. It won't ever be the same.We're so different now.

This is the hardest part. I had typed something else but after i read it I erased it because it left me feeling to vulnerable to have part of my heart spewed out across the screen. But what i will say is that to me its a matter of the recognition of my own self worth and if you can't honor and recognize that then I will find someone who will. its more than that and simpler. what it really comes down to is that if u can't have you as a lover than be my friend and you haven't been either.



I' ve made my choice and made up my mind. I am moving on, life is to short. Change is the currency of life and I think this will be a good one so HS consider this my last goodbye.

TMI Tuesday 159

1. Have you ever had a moving violation? An auto accident? That was your fault?
umm no i don't even have my license yet
2. Have you ever voted? How old was your were you the first time you voted?
Yes I voted to day and I never been more proud to see so many people participating in democracy I was glad that I had to wait in line to vote it should always be like this.
3. Are you glad this election cycle is over?
lets see who wins first.
4. Do you have guilty pleasure? What is it (or are they)?
no i don't really have guilty over anything i desire.
5. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done recently?
I was going to say walking in my Halloween costume past several members of the basketball team and having them all stop and stare was really embarrassing but last nite when i went home I was in the bus station when this boy started sing boys to men I'll make love to you to me in front of everyone. I turned so red and wanted to turn and run away but i was in shock and couldn't move

Musical Monday Musings ( No video edition)

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well
But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all 
    ---- Decode


When I first heard this song I immediately thought of you. Funny, I wonder why but then i realized i didn't care. That it did not bother like it used to or like it should and you know what? I am ok with that. I can't remember the last time i felt so relieved. Acceptance brings a peace of mind I have never experienced before. Is this what happiness feels like?

note to self

Men for their one physical attribute that I adore they are still in general 99.999 of them are worthless pieces of shit.