2008 Reflections

2008 and is almost over and the stroke of midnight can not come any sooner. I am ready for this year to be over! So what did I learn in 2008? Many lessons were learned this year. This year if anything has been very humbling. I've learned a lot about myself, my friends and how kindness can deliver you from the darkness of yourself.

Let me explain...

There were some moments this year where i didn't think i was going to make it. i didn't want to make. I didn't really write about it here and i don't think i will or maybe one day when i am ready it will spill it from my inner mind but until then it is mine to keep. Actually it hasn't been my to keep but it is mine to share when i choose but i digress.... You know how you think you'll never be that person ? That unlike superman you immune to kryptonite-untouchable. Except life isn't like that. We're all fallible and yes even i have been brought to my knees by my own kryptonite.

I.
It was during this time that I learned a lot about myself and some of the people in my life. I know what I want from life and I refuse to settle for anything less. I don't regret one choice I've made this year because I learned from them and i am better for it because i refuse to be anything less. I am the master of my own destiny and I am not sure of the existence of heaven or hell. If there is a(are) god(s)or not but what i do know if there is some judgment when you die. If you have one sentence to describe how you lived you life. Mine would be: I lived my life the way that felt was right to my soul, my journey, my path on this earth was mine and mine alone to walk and I hold no regrets, not one.
II.
My friends have humbled me beyond words. When i need someone the most they were there without question or judgment and i can't begin to explain what that has done for me. The people that are in my life are not all my friends and 2009 will change that. Relationships are either are worth fighting for and saving or leaving and letting them die.

III.
There was a women. A stranger. Who healed me in away that I don't have the ability to explain in words. She didn't even know my first name but has left a permanent mark on my soul and I thank her for that.

2008 wasn't all bad there was a lot of good too and I am thankful that I get to see another year. I am looking forward to 2009 with much anticipation. I'll be 21 in a couple of weeks! I cannot wait to celebrate with some good drinks and amazing friends. I can't wait to go back to school and get refocused on whats really important. I miss Atl and can't wait for him to come back because i miss sleeping next to him ( did I really just write that?) hopefully 2009 will on have good things for us.

I almost forgot
tomorrow is my daddy 50 Birthday !

Paz,Amor,y Besos !
drink it up and live it down
Happy New Years(almost)

Musical Monday Musings

I choose this song for two reasons.
1. i have fallen in love with this band
2. the lyrics describe exactly how i feel about a certain someone

la familia

I love my family. I really do but that doesn't mean i like them. Every time i go home i confronted with the expectation of who i as.. Someone not of  my own choosing but of  circumstance that is childhood. Now that I've been away at school and I've had the chance to develop and become a person of my own choosing the two contradictions of self are constantly bumping heads. How i choose to my life more over how i want to live my life is vastly different from the expectations of my family. the more i come home the more i realize i have got to leave this city because staying here will rot you from the inside out.

No, Virginia there is not a Santa Claus

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to be PC but PC is for bitches.
I was not really feeling the Christmas spirit this year.
but after some drinks and being around friends and family
that make you laugh so hard you can't catch your breath
mad it easier to slip out of my Scrooge and into my own skin again

FUCK.

TMI Tuesday # 166 Merry Chirstmas!

1.What present do you hope ends up under you tree
what i really want i already know i can't have but a copy of Malcolm gladwell new book outliers would do.
2. What present are you most psyched about giving (PLEASE be vague or ignore this question if the recipient reads your blog)?
I already gave it to ATl which was a threesome with another girl ;)
3. DO you prefer to give or receive?
I like to give but who doesn't love free things
4. What is your favorite part off a sexual partner's body?
In general i like the arm muscles of a guy for some reason. On Atl he has a really nice cock. i know. i know what is sounds like but really definitely top 3. just perfect for jumping on and taking a ride on.
5. What is your favorite part your body - the one you hope a sexual partner will find or pay the most attention to?
ummm i am not sire my body seem to well taken care of but Atl did say he likes my dimples of Venus

love at first sight

M baby boy.

Musical Monday Musings( Def Poetry)

you have my heart so don't hurt me. atl after he sent me this video

Patience

Maybe i am waiting around for Pandora's box to be open.
By that i mean waiting for you to be real. for me to understand you for who you are.
But i know better. I have been here before.
Wondering how or why we are even friends.
I have run out of patience.
Waiting for the great reveal and i am starting to believe it doesn't exist.
I was after i had a conversation with HS that helped me come to this realization.
In the morning I woke up to ATL gently running his fingers across my body and I realized i am blessed. I have some amazing people in my life. People that i am willing that i to fight for our friendship for.
My friendship with the HS is one that I am no longer willing to fight for. How can I when i have people like M, eli, and even ATL who remind me what friendship is.
Not every relationship has to be saved and this is one that won''t be.
Its just the slow death thats painful.
Watching someone that you loved and cared about mean less and less to you each day.

TMI Tuesday 165

1. What is the greatest age difference between you and a SO? Older or younger?
when i was 14 i was with someone who was 23
2. What is the greatest age difference between between and any sexual partner? Older or younger?
Atl is 6 years older than me
3. Have you started your holiday shopping? Is it done?
yes
4. What are the chances there will be a "naughty" present under the tree this year (either from you or for you)?
atl getting his present on sat and it is very naughty
5. What is your favorite holiday song
I hate holiday songs

random thoughts

its official i am on god shit list. The lost of 80 dollars proved that.

I am not Hispanic! I am so tired of being asked this or people coming up and speaking spanish to me WTF

Who the hell turns down a threesome but i know who didn't

I love my family

the semester is over !!!!

my 21 is coming up in a month

love that my parents like atl

Musical Monday Musings ( late edition)

Atl is dangerous.
Last night we stayed awake talking til 4 am
when we finally fell asleep his body felt so right next to mine, you know what i mean?
I think i am falling for him. HARD. Hitting the cement at 100mph hard.

Text message i woke up to this morning from Mr. Atl

I wish i could eat your pussy one last time

I let him in on a secret of mine that I am genie and i can make your wishes come true

A little reminder

That I have some amazing people in my life that i am thankful for and i know sometimes i take them for granted but I am so grateful to have people who see the incredibly flawed creature that i am and still unconditional love me. Amazing isn't it? the people you can call at 4 in the morning because you life is falling apart or because you just need to laugh. Know the things about you that you never thought you share with another human being and still look at you the same way they did yesterday.

I had one of those 4am phone calls last nite to someone i have known for almost as long as I've been alive. just the sound of his voice makes me feel like i am home i am the most myself with him because i have nothing to hide afraid of no judgments because he is my first love and friend.He seen the worst of me and still the only person who can call me by that nickname. Yes,as I told him last night I am madly in love with you and have been since we first played in the sandbox and you poured dirt on my freshly braided hair and i whacked you upside the head with the metal shovel and you still have the scar to prove it He reminded me of the meaning friendship. What a real friend means and i can't believe how jaded I've been in calling some people friends. but all is revealed in time and i can see clearer than ever now

besos

Musical Monday Musings (two is always better than 1)

This wasn't the song i planned on using but I heard this song this morning while i was watching atl sleep this morning because i was wide awake at 5am.




I don't even know what I liked about you

Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.

I forgive you for being who you are
I know better, most people never change and you are no different
I don't trust you
enough to be my friend
to treat me like i was one
there is a reason why i didn't tell you what happened and i regret having told you
I don't trust you and without it you have nothing
I don't need or want you in my life again
and this a promise to myself i plan to keep

all of my hate can not be found i will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming

I think that Atl is the calm to my perfect storm.
I was so angry earlier and he calmed me down and he
put it in the perfect perspective for me.
He said that it was all my fault
that when you continue to allow
someone in your life who has
hurt you repeatedly before
you are only setting yourself
up for disappointment
are you really surprised?
no I said
then there is all the reason you need to
walk away and stay away

dear blog,
I know are relationship hasn't been perfect and lately you feel as though i have been neglecting you. Your, right and it has been for good reasons but i promise when i return i will share my stories of explicit drug use, sex in the library and doing a striptease to this song
love
me

Musical Monday Musings( comedy edition)

Because laughter heals the soul and stops me from flipping out on someone

How i feel about school and work and life



i have seen this in public