The Life Before Her Eyes: 2009

Yea it is unthinkable.
I love him.

f you are going to love me, love me deeply. If you break my heart, then break it all. If you are going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall. If you are going to stay, then stay forever. And if you want to leave, then do it today. If you are going to change, change for the better. And if you are going to talk, then please mean what you say

I realize that 9o percent of our fights are my fault. I will be the first to admit. When i am hurt, angry, or most often scared i can be increditablely hurtful. But i want this and that scares me to be so vulnerable and exposed to another person- to him is sometimes more than i can take so i hurt him and try to push him away. Fucked up i know and i am trying to change because i dont want to ruin this because this can be so good. I mean its good not but it can be amazing if i could just let go and allow myself to fall

Old habits die hard! Fucking hard i tell you. My first implus when my boyfriend pisses me of is to Fuck someone else not to piss him off because i wouldnt want to but because having sex would make of feel better. But i cant and it sucks. Last night i said i wanted to have sex and he said no maybe later! Really? I miss my hoish days of years past

Did this boy really choose the celtics over having sex with me? Yes my life is a joke and your welcome to enjoy a laugh too. What is it about the weekend that always makes us fight, maybe it has something to do with all the alcohol and coke that gets consumed?

Did this boy really choose the celtics over having sex with me? Yes my life is a joke and your welcome to enjoy a laugh too.

Things have been interesting to say the least in my life. There has been a lot going on and I am overwhelmed but it’s a good sense of being overwhelmed if there is such a thing. But for the most part I am happy and a lot of that has to do with RR who is now going to be called Waldo. How do I begin to explain how I have been feeling? It’s been a rollercoaster but I have enjoyed every moment even the scary ones. I can’t remember the last time I felt so strongly about someone not even Brooklyn or HS compares to the kind of connection I have with him. It a foreign feeling for me to care about someone so much to want them so completely, it’s not love but it’s the closest I have been in a while. It can easily turn into that in and it scares me I don’t do well when someone has that power over me, when one word or action can hold so much emotional power over you. This weekend proved that he has that power over me and I wanted to end it because it is too much to risk my heart. But the thought of being without him was harder than the thought of being with him and risking being hurt. This can be something so good, I feel it and that’s why I fear it. I just love being around him. He can easily make me smile even when he pisses me off. Can call me on my bullshit and not afraid to tell me when he thinks I am wrong. Motivates me to do all the things I know I can. Can fuck me so good I can’t even speak all I can do is lay there and try to catch my breath. Lie in bed next to me and watch jeopardy and who wants to be a millionaire and still play along with me even though I always win. I will see and endure football and basketball games just to be around him. Deal with the stupidity of his frat brothers. Really I look forward to waking up next to him after a night spent intertwined with him. So there it is confessions of a former cold-hearted bitch.

I woke up this morning and i was still pissed. In fact i was more angry than i had been the night before. What happened to a new day is the start of a new beginning? Well, it seems the bullshit keeps building up in my life. But thats alright because i know what the best cure to bullshit is and i plan on talking a huge dose of you can go fuck yourself for the next couple of days.

Remember how i said i was all about the second chances? Well, i am not because i realize people never change. That your gut feeling about people is almost never wrong. I was right about HS and i am right about RR and trying to convince myself otherwise will only end up in heartbreak.

I am not sure whether I should thank or curse the universe but consider this my official thank you note. Life is tragically funny like that giving you a dose of reality when you are blindly ready for anything but that. I have already taken the boys who prove themselves to be constantly unworthy of your love class and although I didn’t do to well the first semester, I came in with an A in lessons learned. I mean like with HS some of those signs were there in the beginning but stupid me wasn’t ready for a dose of reality and took stupidity constantly instead. So at this point it is what it is and I can’t help it if I like him emotions are stupid like that- irrational little monsters that they are. I am a believer in second chance but I don’t believe in repeating the past so caution is a must as I continue but hey, what’s life without a little bit of danger?

Remember when i was talking about how you can see a relationship heading straight for disaster? Well it happened between RR and i am not even sure how the argument started but before i knew it was full blown and i was leaving his room with out any pants because i couldnt find them and if called me a hoe. I mean really i probably would have been more offended if if called me a bitch. But he did apologize and everything was fine until the next day(i am sensing a little bit of a reoccurring theme) and it may have had something to do with him doing coke and drinking but he was calling me a little girl and how fucked up i am. Which the latter i can agree with him but in the end it turned out alright as he let himself be vulnerable with me and even cried.

I am at the library where I am supposed to be writing a paper but as you can see my post I am not. In fact I am going back to my dorm where I can do some brainstorming read a little and start my essay which is due at 10am tomorrow. Also I want to watch the hills at 10, yes I have my priorities straight. I just have a lot on my mind more than is race a social construct or not. I was thinking about how much has changed in the last four years I am a different person but somehow the same. It’s strange this whole growing up thing. Not just me but everyone I know has been transformed. I have so much I want to write about so many stories but so little time unless I am procrastinating like I am now. Le sigh….. I think I might have found someone who likes sex more than I do and I can’t even keep up can you believe it? But I do think this relationship is going to end up in a fiery mass of shit. A combination of things that are destined to explode sooner or later, I am just not sure which one it is. You know, I just feel him. I want to be able to fuck anyone I want which is why I broke up with my boyfriend and he is not into that at all. Which is alright for now but I know myself and that won’t last long. Even if I do like him and I do but that won’t stop me for long. Not to mention he get jealous way to easily and I flirt to much. That alone like smoking is a deal breaker. A little jealous I can understand it happens to the best of us even moi but it drives me crazy when someone is overly jealous. Alright I am out back to the bat cave to try to at least get an outline of my paper done then back to the library after the hills to write it.

Paz, amor, y besos

Don't know what I want
But I know it's not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
But I know in my heart it's not you

or maybe i am just doing everything i can to convince myself of a lie

The other night I was laying in bed with RR(more on him later) and we were talking about love. I asked him if he has ever been in love. A question I love to ask because I am fascinated by something I’ve never had. I mean I have and do love people but I have never been in love. I always say I don’t know if I have been in love and he told me that when I asked him he immediate swelled with emotion and image of the person came to the forefront of his mind. This was one of the best answers I have heard. No, then I haven’t been in love then.

Paz, amor y besos

My first week of school has been a mixed bag but I am trying to focus on the good, so I will start with that. Good: I love my roommate, most of my classes I really enjoy and I feel like I am going to be learning a lot this semester, my dad came up and bought me food and my mirror that I left, I’ve meet some new people, and probably some other things that I am forgetting. Bad: I have a roommate, I broke a mirror, my refrigerator that I bought last year isn’t working, my computer is broken and some other craptastic things have also happened this week.

But the best and most surprising part is; guess who I talked to?
Miss Ghetto Wannabe.

I shit you not.

Paz, amor, besos

Some may accuse me of being as cold as stone and
rightfully do. But when i feel it, i feel it and i
am not afraid to say it.

Don't buy the promises because
there are no promises I keep

At this point in my life i should know better but still i find myself falling into the same trap. All the warning signs are there but still i proceed blindly into the obvious. I truly do believe that everyone can change but i feel that most people cant or wont. I am not sure which it is for most but still i find myself hoping that the light of reason will get through the darkness of willful ignorance- its not. Some recent events and people have me absolutely convinced of this. I have decided that there is only one course of action to persevere my well being, sanity, and to keep my sense of self in a positive forward motion is to take a step back. I have to learn to but space between the people and myself and i am not talking physically. It doesn't mean that i stop loving or caring about them because its not the point and I can't. Its more of acknowledging what is. Understanding and accepting a person as they are not how you wish or hope them to be or grow into but as they are in the present. I have to put space between what is because that's the only way I can survive. I put my survival over any blood, familial, friendship bond any day.

how much have you missed me because i have missed you. I know i have been a bad blogger but i thats all over now because I am here. I have plenty of stories to share about my misadventures this summer.
till then
besos

1. Have you ever attended a group masturbation party? Same-sex or mixed?
no, people have these?
2. When masturbating, as you reach orgasm, do you continue to stimulate yourself without interruption, or do you stop and apply pressure until your spasms subside? Or?
like the energizer bunny i just keep going and going.
3. Have you ever video'ed yourself while masturbating (solo)? Where are they now?
no.
4. Have you ever look at porn online? Have you ever posted at porn online?
yes, i know some good websites if you need them,
5. Do you send/recieve dirty email jokes and pictures?
yes, I have a collection of sorts
Bonus: Have you ever told someone they were good in bed when they weren't?
yes, god forgive me for the sin that keeps on giving.

One of my best friends told me a secret last night and as secrets often go it wont be a secret for long. I wish she hadn't told me because it brought to much of my own shit to the surface. When she told me I wasn't surprised i fact when she said I have something to tell you ,I knew instantly. Three of the most deadly words ever spoken

Well you're the closet thing
I have to bring up in a conversation,
About a love that didn't last
But I would never call you mine,
'Cause I would never call myself yours

Shit is falling apart and i feel so alone. I am alone. I am watching my family fall apart by the seams. The lies so delicately sewn together fall apart so easily. I dont want to pretend but reality is too much to bare . I am just so angry. So filled with rage that its starting to seep through my pores.

It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you--when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weakness. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead
I have this whole post i am writing about my family but until then...
Happy Father's Day. I love my daddy

I am feeling this song for so many reasons ;)

There have been a lot of promises made to me lately. Promises of the heart are the hardest to keep, so I am wary of anyone who speaks of the future with such self assurance because the future is built upon uncertainties. So i am holding my breath to see how much a man and his word is really worth.

Today I got a phone call from Brooklyn and 2.5 hours later i am wishing I never picked up the phone. Not because it was bad but because all those feelings i worked hard to push away erupted back to the surface once i heard his voice again. I realized that love is simple. Its people(me) that complicated, messy and fucked up

Fight. You have to fight. Anything worth having you have to be willing to risk everything in the pursuit of it. This is just the beginning....

I wish I could find a way to keep my heart from loving you

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Sometimes I think I need a reminder of the past just to keep the present in perspective because it is so easy to forget all the bad and remember the good. I have been thinking about the HS lately and i have come to several conclusions, all of which i had come to last summer but i had to make sure that nothing has changed- it hasnt. No regrets, its beautiful, when you can leave with you heart still intact with it being a little stronger and a lot wiser ready for the next chapter in your book of love. So far my next chapter has been a hell of a lot better than the last, lovely isn't it ?
And I don't understand what happened between you and me but
You will probably end up with someone half as good as me so
I don't care if you want to look in my eyes and say hello
You were blind to me, now I'm blind to you, no
--- safetysuit

I cant't get enough of ATL no matter how much i try to deny it
something about the summer time makes me want to be in a realtionship
I over thinking everything
I should do more and worry less
I have decided to make a list of what i would like to accomplish this summer
The only question that matters is: How much do you really want it?

Till some more shit is figured out...

The first days of my summer have been filled with booze, illicit drug use, less time spent in my house than between my time spent in Boston and Brooklyn, and a lot has been going on with me personally- just trying to figure some shit out so until then...

I received a text message at approximately 5:40pm stating: I think I am in love with you. To which he followed up with four minutes later with: I hope I didn't scare you.
This has left me very confused. The whole notion of love is something i find better in idea than in practice.
I haven't written anything about this boy. So i will call him Southern Boy because he is originally from the dirty south. i met him on my 21 birthday in Boston and we have been talking ever since.
when someone tells you I love you it comes with some responsibility because you have that person's heart in your possession and i am not sure if i want that responsibility.

Feels like everyone sees some version of me but never me. Always right past me or right through me.

I dont feel like writing about this anymore so

i am so fucking annoyed for several reasons:

two of them involving the penis carrying species
both of which i would like to castrate at this moment

one stupid cunt(yes i said it) for causing me to act ignorant and had no idea how she almost had me experiencing a nigger moment which could have been potentially fatal because i don't know how she would have survived a 14 floor jump from the library.

What i wouldn't give to do this year over again

This past summer was a huge one for me for a lot of reasons. One of them being me finally getting over the Haitian Sensation and this song reminded me of why. I have never thought loving someone was reason enough for anything- to be with them especially. Love or what you think is love can act like an illusion blinding you to the truth of the person standing in front of you. So when my illusion was lifted what did it reveal? If that boy don't love you by now, then he never will and i deserved someone who is so much more than an illusion of love and i think i may have found it.

paz,amor,y besos

now i don't believe in violence but i would make
the exception for HS because no one is more
deserving than him.

i decided on a nickname for the boy and it will be Brooklyn because that where he is from. Anyways we're kind of back together. In facebook language its complicated would be my relationship status, which i never do because either i am all yours or i am not but for him i make the exception because he is the exception. The exception that keeps me coming back and slowly is melting this jade ice monster to loving someone.

paz. amor, besos

I am depressed
not suicidal
just deeply unhappy, sad, angry
face down into oblivion depressed.
I will be seeing a psychiatrist very soon.

No less than 24 hours had passed after i broke up with the boy than i was fucking someone else and as if the universe need to let me know exactly how fucked up i am in the middle of hooking up my phone rang with you know who on the other line.

It was nice.
I missed the familiarity of his lips.
The way his scent lingers over my skin.
Funny he told me that his roommates missed the girl who always went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth in her panties.
Well you can tell them that I am back, i said.

paz

I love you, has to be three of the most dangerous words in any language. They hold the same power, the same promise of intention, and the same ability to inflict pain. So when someone says I love you , that all i want is the chance to love you. When the sincerity can be heard in the inflection of their voice, when every bone is your body echoes with those words and you feel it comes from the purest and most unseen places of human intent.

Then why is i can't let go?

This past weekend was very very interesting, i went to see the boy in Brooklyn. I have some stories to tell for my mini adventure the highlights including:

cussing out his best friend

meeting the past girlfriend and current baby mama

dinner between the boy, my brother, and I

the whisper of the three most deadly words in any language

full write up sooner than later

I am not happy.
So, I called my boyfriend and broke up with him.
There is not a rational reason for me to.
So when he I asked why all i could say was:
"this is what i need"

just because:

I still hear you saying all of life is chance.

I lived. I lived a hundred life times in a day but I die a little in every breath that I take.

Amen

1. Have you ever sent or recieved a sext message
Yes, plenty of them.
2. Have you ever made or recieved a booty call?
yes, but not in awhile.
3. Have you ever added or edited a word/entry to Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary or any other online reference?
no.
4. At what age did you have your first consensual sexual experience?
12 or 11
5. What has been the greatest age difference between you a consensual sexual partner?
7 years.

1. Don't tell us what it is, but do you have a sexual secret you have never told anyone?

yes, I have a few actually.

2. Do you have a nonsexual secret you have never told anyone?

yes.

3. Did you ever tell someone a secret only to have them spill it? What were the repercussions?

yes and I was really hurt at first but i honesty expect nothing less from him now.

4. Did you ever spill a secret someone told you? What were the repercussions?

no i am a good secret keeper.

5. Tell us a secret someone told you, however along ago, that you've never told. (You can disguise name or details)

I'll pass on this one.

You know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
--- halo

So i am a big believer that the universe puts in front of you exactly what you need. I think the boy is just what i needed. I am slowly letting myself just be in the moment and right now i am happy.

I am sitting here at the library on the 14 floor, where i am supposed to be doing my work but i am not. Which isn't very surprising considering at this very moment i rather be drinking or fucking and would gladly take both or one or the other. But i have a few unorganized thoughts in my mind so some bullet points are in order. So hopefully i can start studying for my test and quiz that are manana.

talk of love makes me physically ill.
i kind of miss the boy... maybe just a little bit
this weekend the boy is spending the weekend at my house while my parents are away. This should be interesting to say the least
i miss my family but i know when i get home on friday that will all change
its days like this that make me wish i liked to smoke and i am not talking about cigarettes.
I am really not a fan of angry text messages. i mean honestly, really you would not say that ish to me in person or on the phone so don't get ignorant because your fingers got bold all of the sudden you think you can talk shit ,excuse me type shit. I think not.
its my sister birthday on friday!
all i ever want was a simple way to get over you
its technically friday, right now
i am a little drunk
i am in here like bitch whats up

Sometimes i think to myself that if i could let go i could really fall in love with this boy. I am only 21 years old i am to young to be this cynical of love. its not that i am even afraid of the lack of permanence that i think love lacks its the right now that scares me. He makes me feel vulnerable and i hate it. The last person to made me feel like that caused more damage than good so now i feel that i am kind of stuck. Its not like i am stuck on him because I don't love him in that way anymore nor do i want to, but i still think i have some baggage that coming into this new relationship. Which isn't fair to him or me.
Last night i had this moment after we hung up the phone. literally after 5 mins i missed him and called him back because i missed his voice and how he makes me feel. Honestly, i haven't felt like that for so long and it feels nice. But at the same time as much i miss and want him i do really fucked up things that if he found out i know he would probably hate me. i can't stop myself. I mean i can but i don't want to. i don't know whats wrong with me its like i want to give him a reason to break up with me and then i can justify my actions as i always knew he would leave me eventually.

i am all kinds of fucked up and then some.
But then again you already knew that
paz, amor, besos

So maybe, just maybe you can turn a hoe into a housewife

i haven't updated in a while besides for the HNT but i will be back sooner than later but the death of my beloved dell computer makes it just that more harder to post. Like now i am in the library where i am supposed to be writing my paper but i needed a break so here i am . But i have a lot of of stories to tell because i have been acting way to crazy lately. But i am really excited for tomorrow!!! because i have a special person driving 4 hrs to see me and i am so excited more on him later because i need to finish this paper like 20 min ago.

I know i am extra late but i have just been drowning in school work lately. But i do have a lot of stories to tell about my adventures since i've been back at school and i will share them asap. I think this song describes exactly who has been taken up my free time.

Is it bad if i keep asking myself what is the worst fucking daddy big dick's younger brother or his best friend and roommate . decisions, decisions, decisions

1. When you sleep with someone, how much or how little contact do you like to have?
It depends but I have to say there is something to waking up wrapped up in the arms of someone you care about.

2. What do you think there is a appropriate amount of time for a divorce parent to date before introducing the kids to the "new" "special" person in their life?
6 months at the very least.

3. Which ONE do you wish you had more of in bed... romance, experimentation or foreplay?
experimentation is always good.

4. What do you thinks makes a kiss great?
It a fine kiss is a delicate balance of a few elements

5. Describe your sex life in two words.
fuck me

Bonus (as in optional): Do you remember a time when you were having sex that you smile or even laugh about now? Do tell....
Every time I walk by my lounge I can't help but smile.

My first week back at school has been an epic fail. Atl and I have gotten into two huge fights in the space of seven days. Honestly WTF we spend a whole month a part and the moment we see each other instead of kisses and I miss you its I hate you and cellphone being thrown at the wall. In others new i went on a date last night which to say the least was very interesting. More on that later. Till then paz.

Since I am spending my Saturday night sick in bed, I decided to write 25 random things about myself.

1. I hate the Disney channel.
2. I know how to swim but am afraid of the water but I would love to live by the ocean one day.
3. There are 2 openly gay people in my family.
4. I want to travel the world.
5. I hate when people asking me what are you or what are you mixed with.
6. I don't believe in god but i am not an atheist.
7. My older brother is one of my favorite people in the world and someone I admire greatly.
8.I have never been in love.
9. I have commitment issues that would make George Clooney look well adjusted.
10. I don't particular care to get married.ever.
11. I am a really good liar although I hate to lie and try to be honest.
12. I searching for what I am passionate about because I am convinced that is the secret to happiness.
13. i will probably become a vegetarian by the age of 25.
14. I am a forgiving person and don't see it as a flaw. The ability to let go is very freeing.
15.I think I am an extremely good judge of people character. Not in a judgmental way just matter of fact I am good at seeing passed the bullshit.
16. One of my favorite places to be kissed is on my stomach.
17. I get bored with sexual partners easily.
18. My mother once said she thinks I am going to end up with a white man.
19.I am a huge believer in karma. That you get out what you put out in the universe.
20. I like being alone.
21. I am extremely shy. Although most people would think otherwise.
22. I am not afraid of death its dying that scares me.
23. I worry about the type of people my younger brother and sister will turn out to be.
24. Addiciton runs deep in my family.
25. I have another blog.

1.) If a natural disaster left thousands of people homeless, would you let a family of strangers stay in your house?
Yes, I would with out question.

2.) How often do you watch porn?
more than I think is normal for any well adjusted person.

3.) How many people have naked or semi-naked pictures of you?
only 1

4.) When having sex with someone, have you ever fantasized about someone else? If yes, explain why you were thinking of someone else during sex.

This happened last night actually. I was just thinking how much i prefer the other person and damn how flexible I've become

.) Is there ever an appropriate time to lie to someone and push yourself off as single when truthfully you're not?
NO

6.) Who is one person who has changed your life and how did they change things for you?
HS for all for his bullshit he has changed me mostly for the better.

For every piece of me that wants you
Another piece backs away

I had to do it. I had to make sure I was over him. I know when I tell Atl there is a good possibility that he won't want to be with me anymore but i needed to make sure I was ready. I am. No one else compares the whole time I was thinking how he is no you. I promise that was the last time.

Sometime less is more.
Dress I might wear for my b-day on Sat

1. Have you ever dated/married purely for money?
No
2. What is your type?
I don't have a physical type but there are certain personality traits that are a must.
3. What is the best sex game you have ever played?
Marco Polo invited by moi . I will explain it later.
4. Have you ever given or received an orgasm from a person whose last name you did not know?
No
5. Have you ever masturbated in front of a sexual partner?
Yes, a number of time actually

I am an American and so very proud to be so.

Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much
as your own unguarded thoughts.

Which means i haven't been very good to myself lately.

1. On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your sex life?
Right now its a 0 because I haven't had sex in weeks but in general its an 8.
2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?
Depends on who the person is. Atl and I first kiss was like that when he pushed me against the wall in the elevator. Probably the best first kiss I have ever had.
3. What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done or said to you?
Put roses and love letters in my locker.
4. Where is the most unusual place you have ever had sex?
Its not unusual per say but in the library
5. How do you liked to be kissed
good question. I am not really a fan of kissing

I would just like to share the five words that Atl said to me when we were having a heated conversation:

You are astonishingly emotionally underdeveloped.

Astonishingly, really?

olives

liars

weather under 70F

the thought of you with her

that i can't handle my chicken

i am few weeks from turning 21 and i feel like my body is falling a part
like now i pardon me while i puke

paz

maybe i am just a bad girl ;)

I happen to be a huge fan of spoken word poetry and HBO def jam poetry first introduced me to this exquisite art form. The reason i chose this one is because I feel like I am at this point in my life.

I will explain more later...

was a very wise man:

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed.

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes.

As much as i love being naked, I haven't had any time to practice my love of cell phone photograph but since ATL been away i now have a surplus of photos to share as hnts,

This also the place on my body i plan on getting tattooed on in a couple of weeks.

paz, amor, y besos

Friday, December 25, 2009

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