Sometimes i think to myself that if i could let go i could really fall in love with this boy. I am only 21 years old i am to young to be this cynical of love. its not that i am even afraid of the lack of permanence that i think love lacks its the right now that scares me. He makes me feel vulnerable and i hate it. The last person to made me feel like that caused more damage than good so now i feel that i am kind of stuck. Its not like i am stuck on him because I don't love him in that way anymore nor do i want to, but i still think i have some baggage that coming into this new relationship. Which isn't fair to him or me.
Last night i had this moment after we hung up the phone. literally after 5 mins i missed him and called him back because i missed his voice and how he makes me feel. Honestly, i haven't felt like that for so long and it feels nice. But at the same time as much i miss and want him i do really fucked up things that if he found out i know he would probably hate me. i can't stop myself. I mean i can but i don't want to. i don't know whats wrong with me its like i want to give him a reason to break up with me and then i can justify my actions as i always knew he would leave me eventually.
i am all kinds of fucked up and then some.
But then again you already knew that
paz, amor, besos
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