I have been crying for the past 48 hours, my heart is broken feels like no one will love. Am I that unloveable I guess so maybe in another life time

I feel nothing, a little less than nothing. Like there is nothing reedeming abour me I am a horrible person

I haven't had good sex in so long I wouldn't know what a good penis was if it was inside of me

I feel very alone, the feeling is very overwhelming. I can hear my heart pounding in my chest. Strangly enough it makes me feel acutely alive sometimes i forget. I dont know how to deal anymore,sad things is i am really am alone. No one to call when i feel so close to the edge one more breath and i might fall.

I feel like mu world is filled with half people. People who give half a damn, who know you half way, who try half as much as you try, love you half as much as you do them. I already feel completly alone what the difference if I actually am.
There isnt.

I am ready to let go in the purest since. I am ready and really I have no choice. I can't live like this anymore. I refuse too.

I realized that I just don't love you, not like I use to

I thought that part of being in a realtionship is that you are supposed to feel less alone than how is it I fill more alone than ever.

Praying to the job gods that they put in an extra word for me

Where were you when ever thing was falling apat?

Well,I was right here, in the eye of the storm and yourself,?

I feel as if everything has been falling apart and revealing itself for what it really is. Scary when reality doesn't match up to your long held perceptions. My realtionship has been the big reveal and myself has been the biggest. i feel like i haven't been living for at least the past year but really longer. i have been going through the motions but really i haven't breathed in months. I am so lonely. I want a real human connection i thought i had one with Romeo but that has died like everything else. I don't know why i am with him anymore. I think i am afraid if i break up with him I will be truly alone and I am afraid that loneliness will kill me.

But i already feel dead.

If have 99 problems being your girl isnt one

i feel like everyone in my life just shits on me. Always telling me what's wrong with me all the things that make me imperfect. Everyone even Romeo I should say especially Romeo. I just feel so alone. I am tired.

You lost me

I feel like a fool. That I can believe someone to be a better more honest person than they have ever proved themselves to ever be. How did i ever become such a weak and naive girl. I mean really after all that with down you still talk to her and try to meet up with her behind my back instead of being honest about. Time and time i told him simply all it takes is honest and everything else can be worked out. i sincerely believe that but now i feel like a bomb has been blown up in my heart.

ROMEO MUST DIE

Happy Fucking Anniversary to me
thank you for putting me last on you list
once again. This relationship is DOA come Friday when i see him.


i feel so alone.

The best of you

My thought are running a marathon within the maze of my mind but I need to write(typing actually) to get any clarity or any chance of sleep at all.

I know i need to take this as a sign from the heavens that it time to move on and refocus on myself. That i got lost in 'us' and need to rediscovery 'me'. I think its because I am not a relationship person and loved being single when i had my 'fuck it' mentality and did what and who ever i wanted. It was very freeing and allowed me to get to know myself well enough to be in a relationship when the right person came along. Or so I thought because really i dealt with some shit that I thought would be deal breakers but when 'love' comes into play i guess all bets are off and all rational thinking too.

Emails to other girls talking about how he still has feelings, meeting up with said girl and lying about it, putting his hands on me( he never hit) although i don't think the distinction matters as i sit looking at a scar on my knee that he is the cause of, two broken cellphones and numerous other belongings of mine, having been called a cunt and a bitch more time than i can count and told to go slit my writs and die are just the highlight of our almost year relationship.

Yet I still wanted him back after i broke up with him last Friday and now he has doubts and wants us to date but not be together because I broke up with him to many times. Here I am begging like some love sick puppy to take me back. What the hell is wrong with me? I was not raised to wait on some man to decided whether or not he wants to be with me. But here i waited until today when i decided I had enough. I love him more than I thought i was capable of loving another person and I am and thankfully for him for that and always will be. However, I am taking this a sign from the heavens that its time to move on and let this relationship go and refocus on my life and getting myself to where i need to be. i am done fighting and like I told him you take all the time you need to figure out your shit and when your done come find me and see if there is anything worth saving left. But i already know the answer- all we had is gone now, and I am searching for something new and better. I feel a little bit stronger now. Once I decided to let it go after crying so hard i. felt like i could vomit for the last week. I think most of it is out of my system and has been replaced with something else, i am not sure what it is but i will let you know.

DEEP BREATH

alright meeting up with ATl tomorrow funny i had a dream about him last night and it was hot. lets hope that reality is so much better. What about Romeo you may wonder? He thinks he can have his cake and eat it to. Your not my girlfriend but you cant do anything. Like some kind of fucking limbo but i don't think so life moves in a forward projectile with or with out you. I am moving on until i find a boy who is 100% sure he wants to be with me and until then i plan on having lots of fun in between then.
paz, amor, y besos


Thought this song was appropriate

for love is stronger than death,
passion fiercer than the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire
a raging flame.

Knowing when to let go is probably one of the most difficult things in life to recognize. As blaring as it can and often is it is still the thing that people can be most blinded in. Especially with romantic love i think breaking a heroin habit can be easier than knowing when to break up with somebody. It seems then i need to go to rehab. Its like i can feel the love seeping out of my body. Slowly at first but now its gushing as the dam breaks up.

Going to sleep means i just have to wake up to the same reality the same feelings of nothingness the same emptyiness that feels my soul day after day

I just want to lay down and die because nothingness is better than reality i hate my life

Fucking over this shit! My god

Tell Them I Was Happy and

my heart is broken. You cant be in a relationship without trust. A shaky foundation is bound to break, its just a matter of time until it does. Part of me want revenge more like an increasingly huge part of me. When I hurt I want you hurt twice as bad. My heart just hurts but after the heartache come the peace of mind of:

You know when you have that realization of how stupid you have been? How much you were willing to give up for another person? My god, when i think of it realize how stupid i have been!

You know when you have that realization of how stupid you have been? How much you were willing to give up for another person? My god, when i think of it realize how stupid i have been!

I realize that not all men are dogs but the one i have been sleeping with for the last eight months has been. The sad thing is i really did love him and now i am left with wondering questions of if it was all an illusion. How stupid could have been? Very apparently so as jayz has said on to the next one.

A Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
Langston Hughes



I have been thinking and I have decided that I am going to do me.
The thing is I was willing to scarfice a lot to be with him but
not anymore. The thing about being in a relationship in your early 20s is
that it is a very transitional time period. Where you first start becoming an
adult. I have changed my mind in all that I was willing to scarfice to be in a
relationship with him. I decided that if its meant to be that it will find away
and I am not willing to give up any of my dreams for any man, even Romeo.

Since things have been shitty in my life i have decided to put some positive energy into the universe. In that case, five things that make me happy:
1.Romeo smile it is absolutely beautiful.
2. Cooking i love creating and eating good food.
3.Sex...good sex is something that can always put a smile on my face.
4.Writing and drawing wheni actually get the chance is incrediblely releasing. I miss it.
5.Being in love :)

Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed, and passed over....

Today goes down as one of the worst days of my 22 years of life and i feel more alone then ever. All I wanted was to talk to Romeo to have someone tell me that I can and will get through this but i have learned the hard way, once again to rely on myself. This is the second time in a handful of days that he has made me feel pushed aside and today was just soul crushing. I cant begin to explain that for the first time since I have known him and actually opened up about all the shit that has been going on in my life, he cant be there for me. Couldn't take ten fucking seconds to text me a simple: are you ok? I don't ask a lot of the people I love, I really don't but when i do I expect you to be there. There is a reason i don't let people in because they always end up disappointing you when you least expect it but need them the most. Haitian Sensation,Romeo same shit different relationship but the same crushing pain when you realize who the person really is is like nothing you have imagined. I am a forgiving person and after Romeo list of excuses why when i needed him most he couldn't be there, apology accepted but relationship over. This ia a scary time in my life and i have learned that you have to always stand alone and save yourself. I really did think that I could have relied on Romeo but I cant so I took my ring off and am preparing to do battle by myself-again.

Also in my 22 years of life i have never had a bruise until now. Well black people do bruise at least this black girl does.

Trust is the foundation that a strong relationship has to be built on. I dont trust Romeo and with good reason, so where does this leave our relationship? It leaves it crumbling and love leaves it complicated. All i know for sure are two things; i want to be happy and i cant be with someone i dont trust. My mind knows what the answer is to achieve both but my heart is in complete conflict with what my mind knows to be true. When the heart and mind are not in sync and it is causing chaos. But with chaos comes serenity... Eventually, right?

Musical Monday Musings(late as always)

I havent done one of these in awhile and its late as usual.
But I heard this song this morning and it immediately caused
mw to give it my fully attemtion.
Beautiful, it reminds me of all the things I love about Romeo.
I texted him the lyrics this morning after hearing it :
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you



Enjoy.

End Of An Era

You should never blog when angry but I was never one for following the rules.
How many times have I been here before? All the evidence laid out in front of my eyes,screaming ringing in my ears but still i refuse to believe. I must be a glutton for this type of punishment. I will say that I do have a spot in my heart for HS always in my heart but not in my life anymore. At the moment I am at the borderline of hate. I hate him so much it burns me to think i care so much about this person. I don't ask much from people who I view as my friends but I guess I expect to much and receive to little from him to ever be in that category again. I really cant believe I wasted so much time and energy into him. My God, how stupid could I be? Really it makes me sad that it has come to this i really did think we could have been friends. But time has proven me wrong again.
If anything I mourned the loss of my illusion him a long time ago so this was just a slap of reality to remind me to let go of the ghost of the past. I realize my anger will dissipate within hours but the hurt is all that remains and no one has hurt me more than him. I am not even writing all the things I really feel, so much hurt. I am done.
But i do wish him only goods things lots of love and happiness for the present and the future.
Alright i feel better, tomorrow will be a good day.
Paz, amor, y besos

I have to remember to thank the universe for giving me someone like Romeo. I dont believe in a soulmate as in there is only one person out of some six billion people out there only meant for you. Instead I like to think that there are any number of people who would be a good fit for you depending on where you are in your life. Which is also why i am not a fan of marriage in general. The idea that you are supposed to spend your life with one person doesnt ring true to me. But i would marry Romeo,crazy huh? Even if i knew it would last until death do us part, i would still do it.

Maybe if at the end of the day
you have some one who cuts out cucumber
hearts to put in your salad
you have something worth
fighting for.

I am sitting at this bar in boston and all i want to do is go back home. You know how when u have bad feeling and that feeling seeps into reality. Either by ur own doing or some way else it finds it way into life. I was supposed to stay till sunday but my heart isnt in it so there is a 99.999% chance that i will be leaving.

Romeo thinks that the Haitian Sensation and I are to close.
That because I said loved him that I still have love for him,
that my heart can never be fully his.
So I tried to explain to him the innate difference of the love
I have for him and HS.
Like measuring the distance between heaven and earth.
The unknowing vastness of it doesn't make it any less real.
That there is comparison of the two of who has my heart solely.

I am a huge believer in honest. Most especially in romantic relationships but my god sometimes the price of honest is so high.

Tomorrow is my anniversary! Its the first one we are celebrating and actually get to be together for. I cant wait to wake up next to romeo(sappy i know but true nonetheless). We had a great weekend last weekend,which is a turn around from the beginning of our reltionship. Thursday till Sunday always ended in us in multiple fights. Now we have a better understanding of eachother and our nights end with us holding hands and talking for hours. I cant believe i have found one person who makes me feel settled. He stormed into my world. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or more aptly a love like this. I thought i was going to continue to be my wild single self until i met him. It was th same for Romeo too and now we are entangled in a way i never want to end. I suppose its true what they say: that love is found when not looking.
pas,amor,y besos

I told my boyfriend that he is to good for me because some times i believe it. I feel so undesevering of love_his love. I dont understand how someone cold know me flas and all and still make me feel as deeply loved as he does. That a part of what love is,right? I didnt think at 22 i would find a person who would make me feel as he does. Feel like i have known him my whole life and that he supposed to be apart of it forever. Love really is this beautiful sacred piece of life that i am blessed to be experiencing.
paz,amor,y besos

I cant talk to my boyfriend. When it comes to serious life talks about which we disagree(whiich means i am wring and he is right) it is impossible to talk over the phone or in person. So i rather do it over text so i can express myself and not get that lump in my throat as i try to hold back tears that the tone of his voice and the words he speaks to me bring. This leaves us both frustrated with no resolve in sight. I will sleep on it and try again in the morning.

I cant talk to my boyfriend. When it comes to serious life talks about which we disagree(whiich means i am wring and he is right) it is impossible to talk over the phone or in person. So i rather do it over text so i can express myself and not get that lump in my throat as i try to hold back tears that the tone of his voice and the words he speaks to me bring. This leaves us both frustrated with no resolve in sight. I will sleep on it and try again in the morning.

My god, do i love this boy.

If i dont get the sex i want and need from my boyfriend, i will cheat. Worst yet as long as i use protection i wouldnt feel guilty. Horrible yes but its the truth of how i am and how i feel.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

This love shit is complete bullshit
or at least I want to believe it is.
But I know different.
What it's like to fight for hours but
still want to crawl in bed next to him
and go to sleep.
In know how it feels to fall asleep
holding hands and the glory of waking
up entangled in the body of a lover.
Love is this curious thing.
When I say I want to end it really
the thought of being without him
is crushing.
Now my life in entangled with another
person and i kind of like it.
I love him that's the easy part
Being with him and working through both of our
bullshit- no that is the true test of love.
And I want an A