The best of you

My thought are running a marathon within the maze of my mind but I need to write(typing actually) to get any clarity or any chance of sleep at all.

I know i need to take this as a sign from the heavens that it time to move on and refocus on myself. That i got lost in 'us' and need to rediscovery 'me'. I think its because I am not a relationship person and loved being single when i had my 'fuck it' mentality and did what and who ever i wanted. It was very freeing and allowed me to get to know myself well enough to be in a relationship when the right person came along. Or so I thought because really i dealt with some shit that I thought would be deal breakers but when 'love' comes into play i guess all bets are off and all rational thinking too.

Emails to other girls talking about how he still has feelings, meeting up with said girl and lying about it, putting his hands on me( he never hit) although i don't think the distinction matters as i sit looking at a scar on my knee that he is the cause of, two broken cellphones and numerous other belongings of mine, having been called a cunt and a bitch more time than i can count and told to go slit my writs and die are just the highlight of our almost year relationship.

Yet I still wanted him back after i broke up with him last Friday and now he has doubts and wants us to date but not be together because I broke up with him to many times. Here I am begging like some love sick puppy to take me back. What the hell is wrong with me? I was not raised to wait on some man to decided whether or not he wants to be with me. But here i waited until today when i decided I had enough. I love him more than I thought i was capable of loving another person and I am and thankfully for him for that and always will be. However, I am taking this a sign from the heavens that its time to move on and let this relationship go and refocus on my life and getting myself to where i need to be. i am done fighting and like I told him you take all the time you need to figure out your shit and when your done come find me and see if there is anything worth saving left. But i already know the answer- all we had is gone now, and I am searching for something new and better. I feel a little bit stronger now. Once I decided to let it go after crying so hard i. felt like i could vomit for the last week. I think most of it is out of my system and has been replaced with something else, i am not sure what it is but i will let you know.

DEEP BREATH

alright meeting up with ATl tomorrow funny i had a dream about him last night and it was hot. lets hope that reality is so much better. What about Romeo you may wonder? He thinks he can have his cake and eat it to. Your not my girlfriend but you cant do anything. Like some kind of fucking limbo but i don't think so life moves in a forward projectile with or with out you. I am moving on until i find a boy who is 100% sure he wants to be with me and until then i plan on having lots of fun in between then.
paz, amor, y besos


Thought this song was appropriate

for love is stronger than death,
passion fiercer than the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire
a raging flame.

Knowing when to let go is probably one of the most difficult things in life to recognize. As blaring as it can and often is it is still the thing that people can be most blinded in. Especially with romantic love i think breaking a heroin habit can be easier than knowing when to break up with somebody. It seems then i need to go to rehab. Its like i can feel the love seeping out of my body. Slowly at first but now its gushing as the dam breaks up.